The Key to All Baby-sitterologies

The purpose of this database is to: briefly review all of the books in the Baby-Sitters Club series, for content and quality; subjectively rate each book and analyze quality trends; identify and critique the ostensible in-universe timeline; and to provide a viable alternate timeline in which I determine what year it would be in any given book if every year of seasons which passed actually resulted in the passage of a year in the canon. I will also, as always, note any fleeting moments of homoeroticism.

Revised Timeline

Seventh Grade

Kristy's Great Idea Spoiler: It's the Baby-sitters Club!

Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls The baby-sitters choose to fear a jewel thief.

The Truth About Stacey It's a turf war when an older, and therefore less responsible (?), baby-sitting club moves in; Stacey's parents want her to see a quack.

Mary Anne Saves the Day All the baby-sitters are mad at each other, so Mary Anne saves a child's life, JUST TO SHOW THEM.

Dawn and the Impossible Three Dawn slips into a motherly (or possibly fatherly) role to a recently divorced family.

Kristy's Big Day While Kristy's mother puts together a shotgun wedding, the BSC holds a day care for the relatives' kids.

Claudia and Mean Janine Claudia's grandmother, Mimi, has a stroke. Mean Janine is, at best, a C-plot.

Boy-Crazy Stacey Stacey gazes dreamily at a hunky lifeguard while Mary Anne baby-sits all eight Pikes at Sea City.

Super Special #1

Baby-sitters On Board The BSC and friends go on a cruise to the Bahamas and Disney World in the first of many credulity-straining extravagant vacations.

The Ghost at Dawn's House Dawn chooses to believe her house is haunted.

Eighth Grade

#10

Logan Likes Mary Anne! The club considers inviting Logan to join. Silly baby-sitters, boys can't work. Boys are for dating only.

#11

Kristy and the Snobs Shannon, you cannot defy the Baby-sitters Club. You can only be absorbed.

#12

Claudia and the New Girl Claudia's pretentious new artist friend threatens to Yoko her out of the BSC.

#13

Goodbye, Stacey, Goodbye Stacey's father is transferred back to NYC, so obvs they have to move, because it's not like Stoneybrook is basically Westchester or anything.

#14

Hello, Mallory Sorry, Mallory, we'd like you to join, but you really shot yourself in the foot by drawing such a crappy digestive system.

#15

Little Miss Stoneybrook... and Dawn A little girls' beauty pageant turns the baby-sitters into weird stage mothers; Jeff escapes back to California.

#16

Jessi's Secret Language Learning ASL is easy and fun if you are perfect at everything like Jessi.

#17

Mary Anne's Bad Luck Mystery Mary Anne chooses to fear a mustard-seed necklace.

#18

Stacey's Mistake Stacey invites the BSC to NYC and discovers that they are hayseeds.

#19

Claudia and the Bad Joke Claudia decides she is done with this baby-sitting shit when a child breaks her leg. Don't quit, Claudia--Kristy will break your other one.

#20

Kristy and the Walking Disaster Kristy starts a baseball team for Little League rejects. Jackie the Walking Disaster sort of doesn't show up that much.

#21

Mallory and the Trouble with Twins Forget this twins nonsense, the real story here is about Mallory picking out earrings.

#22

Jessi Ramsey, Pet-sitter Jessi has a natural affinity with animals because they can sense perfection; the BSC officers get sick of their roles and demand an election.

#23

Dawn on the Coast California. California. Califoooooooornia.

#24

Kristy and the Mother's Day Surprise The BSC rewards their favorite moms by taking their children away, and Watson and Elizabeth complete the world's fastest shady adoption.

#25

Mary Anne and the Search for Tigger Mary Anne loses her cat. Logan, WHY WON'T YOU CARE? It's as if you have other things going on in your life or... nahhhh.

Super Special #2 The Baby-sitters' Summer Vacation The BSC gets jobs as summer camp counselors.

Ninth Grade

#26

Claudia and the Sad Goodbye Mimi dies. I can't... I can't be funny about this one, okay? Just... just go over there. Stop looking at me.

#27

Jessi and the Superbrat A child star convinces Jessi to explore modeling and acting. She could totally do it, you guys, and she'd be soooo good.

#28

Welcome Back, Stacey! Stacey's parents divorce. Her dad stays in NY, and her mom goes to Stoneybrook. Which will Stacey choose? Don't look at the title.

#29

Mallory and the Mystery Diary Mallory stumbles on a hundred-year-old mystery while using an old diary to tutor Buddy Barrett in his reading.

Super Special #3 The Baby-sitters' Winter Vacation How many fucking vacations do these girls need? They work about 3 hours a week.

#30

Mary Anne and the Great Romance It's every adolescent best-friend pair's dream come true when Mary Anne's dad and Dawn's mom get married.

#31

Dawn's Wicked Stepsister Man up, Mary Anne, and stop missing your old stupid house. I hate you. I love you. Don't leave me.

#32

Kristy and the Secret of Susan Kristy applies the old elbow grease to the problem of autism.

#33

Claudia and the Great Search Claudia chooses to believe she is adopted.

#34

Mary Anne and Too Many Boys If Mary Anne had a Sea City boyfriend all this time, isn't she really cheating on him with Logan?

Super Special #4

The Baby-sitters' Island Adventure The baby-sitters get SHIPWRECKED. Seriously.

Tenth Grade

#35

Stacey and the Mystery of Stoneybrook Stacey and Charlotte have complex hallucinations.

#36

Jessi's Baby-sitter Jessi's Aunt Cecelia treats her like a child, a mere child! Such insolence will not be tolerated.

#37

Dawn and the Older Boy For all this talk about individuality, Dawn sure is quick to change herself for a man.

#38

Kristy's Mystery Admirer Wow, creepy love notes. Go way, Cokie, I'm trying to think. So... Bart must be psycho, yeah?

#39

Poor Mallory! Mallory's father loses his job, but it's okay--Mallory's raking in the big baby-sitting bucks.

#40

Claudia and the Middle School Mystery Claudia finally gets a good grade, only to be accused of cheating. That'll learn her to rise above her place.

Super Special #5

California Girls! The baby-sitters impose their unreasonably large, dramatic group on Dawn's family in California.

#41

Mary Anne vs. Logan Mary Anne breaks up with Logan because he took her skating and should KNOW BETTER.

#42

Jessi and the Dance School Phantom Jessi receives threatening notes at ballet school because the only way to a starring role is over her dead body.

#43

Stacey's Emergency Stacey ends up in the hospital after extreme thirstiness, and a generation of girls became hypochondriacs.

#44

Dawn and the Big Sleepover Dawn organizes a fundraiser for charity, then spends what I can only guess is all of the money on a sleepover/pizza party for about a million kids.

#45

Kristy and Baby Parade Nobody cares even a little bit about a Baby Parade, including any of the characters.

Super Special #6

New York, New York! The baby-sitters pilgramage en masse to Stacey's dad's NYC bachelor apartment. I love fantasy.

Eleventh Grade

#46

Mary Anne Misses Logan Well, it didn't take her long, did it?

#47

Mallory on Strike How is Mallory supposed to find time to write a heartwarming story about the joys of a big family with all these DAMN KIDS AROUND?

#48

Jessi's Wish Jessi meets a girl with leukemia and informs her parents about the Make-a-Wish foundation. She helped!

#49

Claudia and the Genius of Elm Street Claudia loathes a condescending eight-year-old prodigy.

Super Special #7

Snowbound A sneak attack snowstorm traps the baby-sitters in very specific locations.

#50

Dawn's Big Date Dawn changes herself for a different man.

#51

Stacey's Ex-Best Friend Sometimes, friends grow apart, and it's nobody's fault, except Laine's.

#52

Mary Anne + 2 Many Babies Mary Anne has BABY FEVER until she faces the stress of parenting an egg.

#53

Kristy for President Kristy runs for class president because she will never be satisfied until she takes the world.

#54

Mallory and the Dream Horse Mallory hates horses (and humans).

#55

Jessi's Gold Medal If you work hard and are Jessi, you can achieve anything.

Super Special #8

Baby-sitters at Shadow Lake Watson inherits a cabin, because he doesn't have enough property tax, amirite??

Twelfth Grade

#56

Keep Out, Claudia! These babies are RACIST.

Special Edition Readers' Request:

Logan's Story Logan joins the BSC full-time and gets mocked. Apparently schoolyard bullies distinguish between associate and full membership.

#57

Dawn Saves the Planet Buzz off, weirdy-beardy, and let me throw this styrofoam on the ground like a normal person.

#58

Stacey's Choice Stacey is the only adult in her family.

#59

Mallory Hates Boys (and Gym) Mallory rebels against the torture of gym class.

Super Special #9

Starring the Baby-sitters Club THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#60

Mary Anne's Makeover Mary Anne gets a haircut and the BSC FREAKS OUT.

#61

Jessi and the Awful Secret A ballet student (not Jessi! NEVER Jessi) experiences an eating disorder.

#62

Kristy and the Worst Kid Ever The baby-sitters just can't handle a not-really-all-that-messed-up foster kid.

#63

Claudia's ~~Freind~~ Friend Shea Rodowsky is dyslexic, and Claudia has an undiagnosable learning disability. They fight crime.

#64

Dawn's Family Feud The Schafer/Spiers go to GLORIOUS BOSTON!!!

Special Edition Readers' Request:

Logan Bruno, Boy Baby-sitter Logan starts hanging out with the baby greasers. I cannot emphasize enough how awesome this mental picture is.

#65

Stacey's Big Crush Stacey's hot for teacher.

Portrait Collection:

Abby's Book THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

Portrait Collection:

Kristy's Book Kristy's estranged dad is the theme of her autobiography. Yes!

Portrait Collection:

Mary Anne's Book THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

Portrait Collection:

Dawn's Book THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

Portrait Collection:

Claudia's Book Claudia's childhood is kind of a bummer, really. Nobody likes her, the Tooth Fairy isn't real, and school sucks.

Portrait Collection:

Stacey's Book Stacey's childhood was tough. It was hard to learn to talk with that silver spoon in her mouth.

#66

Maid Mary Anne Mary Anne chooses to be enslaved by an elderly lady.

Super Special #10

Sea City, Here We Come! THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

Freshman Year College

#67

Dawn's Big Move Dawn suddenly feels the need to return to California.

#68

Jessi and the Bad Baby-sitter A baby-sitter who doesn't like weekly meetings? Cast her from Stoneybrook!

#69

Get Well Soon, Mallory! Mallory gets mono. Did you know that ass-backwards attempts at noble self-sacrifice is one of the symptoms?

#70

Stacey and the Cheerleaders Stacey's unbelievably amazing at cheerleading (but only because Jessi helped her.)

#71

Claudia and the Perfect Boy Claudia starts a personals column in order to use her editorial position to snag a plum boy.

#72

Dawn and the We ♥ Kids Club Dawn's California club is getting more business than it can handle, but Dawn is too busy hating her dad's girlfriend to care.

#73

Mary Anne and Miss Priss Mary Anne thinks Jenny has OCD, but it turns out she's just faking psychological symptoms to detract attention from her sister. Well, phew!

#74

Kristy and the Copycat Kristy may have inadverterntly commited MURDER. Oh, and Karen is copying her or something.

#75

Jessi's Horrible Prank Jessi fears she scared off the substitute teacher because her impression of him in a school parody skit was TOO GOOD.

Special Edition Readers' Request:

Shannon's Story Shannon has feelings.

#76

Stacey's Lie I think it's that she chose Fire Island for vacation based on its thriving art scene and not her boyfriend's presence, but it's really more a lie of omission.

#77

Dawn and Whitney, Friends Forever The parents of a girl with Down's syndrome pay Dawn to be her friend.

Super Special #11

The Baby-sitters Remember Vignettes from the past.

Sophomore Year College

#78

Claudia and Crazy Peaches Claudia's wacky aunt miscarries after Claudia accuses her of being too wacky. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

#79

Mary Anne Breaks the Rules Ha ha, not really! It was all a big misunderstanding.

#80

Mallory Pike, #1 Fan Mallory stalks an author.

Super Special #12

Here Come the Bridesmaids! Simultaneous weddings in California and Stoneybrook. Even the most wedding-crazy reader will go into sugar shock.

#81

Kristy and Mr. Mom Watson has a heart attack and transitions into working from home. But I thought he was a man???

#82

Jessi and the Troublemaker Danielle Roberts's cancer is in remission and she has a year's worth of trouble to make up for. Or 3 years. Or 0. I don't know anymore.

#83

Stacey vs. the BSC Stacey is so done with this baby-sitting bullshit. For realsies.

#84

Dawn and the School Spirit War Dawn protests Spirit Month, because Pajama Day is an ABOMINATION.

#85

Claudia Kishi, Live from WSTO! Claudia has a radio show, for... some... reason...

#86

Mary Anne and Camp BSC Mary Anne experiences separation anxiety when her parents leaves, making her a normal toddler in many respects.

#87

Stacey and the Bad Girls Stacey's new friends shoplift, so I guess it's time to un-outgrow the BSC.

#88

Farewell, Dawn Oh, is Dawn back?

Junior Year College

#89

Kristy and the Dirty Diapers THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#90

Welcome to the BSC, Abby THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#91

Claudia and the First Thanksgiving Claudia and friends shock the town with a controversial kids' Thanksgiving play.

#92

Mallory's Christmas Wish THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#93

Mary Anne and the Memory Garden In this book, someone you've never heard of before... WILL DIE.

#94

Stacey McGill, Super Sitter Stacey becomes a workaholic JUST LIKE HER FATHER.

#95

Kristy + Bart = ? Kristy's maybe-boyfriend wants to push the relationship to the next level. Hand-holding would be a start.

#96

Abby's Lucky Thirteen THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#97

Claudia and the World's Cutest Baby THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#98

Dawn and Too Many Sitters Jeff, Adam, Byron, and Jordan join the Baby-sitters Club. Wait, that's canon?

Super Special #13

Aloha, Baby-sitters! THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#99

Stacey's Broken Heart THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

Senior Year College

#100

Kristy's Worst Idea The BSC is disbanded. That's it, everyone, go home.

#101

Claudia Kishi, Middle School Dropout Claudia is sent back to seventh grade because THAT happens.

#102

Mary Anne and the Little Princess THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#103

Happy Holidays, Jessi Jessi's brother is hurt in an accident just before Kwanzaa.

#104

Abby's Twin Abby's sister is diagnosed with scoliosis, which is... relevant somehow.

#105

Stacey the Math Whiz Stacey joins Mathletes.

#106

Claudia, Queen of the Seventh Grade That's not her title, it refers to her friend Josh.

#107

Mind Your Own Business, Kristy! Kristy tries to run Charlie's love life.

#108

Don't Give Up, Mallory! Mallory suspects her teacher of sexism.

#109

Mary Anne to the Rescue Mary Anne is too wimpy to handle a first aid class, and Logan is too wimpy to tell his dad he doesn't want to go to boarding school.

#110

Abby the Bad Sport Abby antagonizes a retarded girl.

Super Special #14

BSC in the USA It's a cross-country road trip! Or two! For some reason! God, I hate Super Specials.

First Academic Year Postgrad

#111

Stacey's Secret Friend Stacey tries to fix an unpopular girl.

California Diaries #1

Dawn Diary 1 THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#112

Kristy and the Sister War Ugh, is it just me, or do you find the Kilbournes to be the most boring family ever?

#113

Claudia Makes Up Her Mind THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#114

The Secret Life of Mary Anne Spier Mary Anne secretly works as a Christmas elf to pay off credit card debt. NO PRETENSE SHE IS 13, I LOVE IT

#115

Jessi's Big Break Jessi's talent is finally recognized by the outside world. But does her entourage need her too much to let her go?

#116

Abby and the Best Kid Ever Everyone's least favorite totally fine foster kid has come back as Stepford Lou.

#117

Claudia and the Terrible Truth Not to be confused with Jessi's awful secret. Obviously anorexia is the awful secret and child abuse is the terrible truth. Get it together.

#118

Kristy Thomas, Dog Trainer Watson promises he'll take care of the guide dog puppy all by himself, but you know Kristy will end up doing all of the work.

#119

Stacey's Ex-Boyfriend It's not what you think. Stacey's ex-boyfriend has clinical depression!

#120

Mary Anne and the Playground Fight THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

Super Special #15

Baby-sitters' European Vacation THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#121

Abby in Wonderland Abby's grandmother might have breast cancer, but that doesn't explain why she's hosting an Alice in Wonderland theme party. Nothing does.

Second Academic Year Postgrad

#122

Kristy in Charge THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#123

Claudia's Big Party THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#124

Stacey McGill...Matchmaker? Stacey tries to get her mom together with a client's dad. Also, Jane Austen book club!

#125

Mary Anne in the Middle Mallory is accepted to boarding school. Jessi is mad. Mary Anne observes so unobtrusively the book is almost entirely in third person.

#126

The All-New Mallory Pike THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#127

Abby's Un-Valentine THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#128

Claudia and the Little Liar Haley Braddock ineffectually attempts to spread rumors about the BSC; Claudia realizes Josh is too squirrelly to love.

#129

Kristy at Bat THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#130

Stacey's Movie THIS IS A PLACEHOLDER

#131

The Fire at Mary Anne's House Fire... yes... cleansing fire. Let it burn. Let it all burn.