Five People John and Rodney Really ARE Fooling
by Yolsaffbridge
i. Carson
Every time Laura mentions John and Rodney, Carson is reminded of the many reasons they "didn't work out". There's only so many times he can tell her that Rodney acts that way with his best friends - he used to act like that with Carson when they were closer. They've grown apart, understandably, since Rodney now does more work with the SGA-1 team than he does with the scientists he is supposedly in charge of, but that doesn't mean anything. Anything.
He hates it when she looks at him pityingly and changes the topic; he hates it so much that eventually he snaps and makes her tell him what it is that she's thinking. He finds himself thudding down into a chair when she finally says, "Maybe Rodney wanted more than friendship from you."
ii. Elizabeth
Ever since she was thirteen and went on her first date, Elizabeth has always been in - mature sort of relationships. She always dated the guy a few years older - the guy in high school when she was in junior high, another in college when she was in high school, a third in medical school when she was getting her first undergraduate degree. Her relationships have always been serious, meaningful commitments. She's never dated the types of guys that John and Rodney are - they may be functional adults, but give them half a chance, and they regress in age to approximately sixth grade. When they do, laughing during the meeting while discussing the people of M3X-034 who call themselves "Pupu", she can only roll her eyes.
She thinks of them as the boys in her sixth grade class, advanced track - very smart, very willing to solve problems when presented with them, but still twelve years old. She thinks some of the boys from her class must be John and Rodney somewhere else, annoying someone else to acts of near homicide. She had never considered dating those boys, and she doesn't see how anyone could; she can't even see how they might work for each other.
iii. Teyla
Since she has met the Lanteans, Teyla has found herself, for the first time in her life, in a position of a complete lack of understanding of another culture. She has led the Athosians for a long time and participated in many trade agreements with many cultures, so she fakes her way well. She doesn't think they suspect how little she actually understands. The problem isn't the strange customs and taboos - plenty of the Pegasus people have those. It's the complete arbitrariness and lack of reason behind these customs that confuses her beyond belief. They say one thing, but do another. Sometimes, they follow orders, sometimes they don't. Some of the sub-cultures behave in one way, others in another.
She doesn't understand how, given all these norms and restrictions and taboos, they can (sometimes) communicate effectively with one another. She doesn't understand how John and Rodney can use the same tone of voice and the same expressions in friendly bickering and actual arguing. She doesn't understand why Rodney looks so put out when John is flirting with the Chief's daughter on P3X-423, or why John snaps at her when she suggests that sending Ronon instead of John into the temple with Rodney makes more sense. She's always so aware of her own actions, of trying to understand and fit in, that she feels she's missing obvious things, things that normally would have been as apparent as a Wraith dart in a cloudless sky.
iv. Caldwell
In his twenty five years as a military officer, rising through the ranks, Caldwell has met the entire spectrum of COs and subordinate officers (the enlisted are mostly a blur, one uniform like another, but he gets to know the officers). Some officers are by-the-book, following orders when it's clear, so clear, that the call was wrong and a decision needs to be made right now, no time to check in with base, no time to waste, no lives to waste. The by-the-book ones are predictable, easy - follow orders, follow procedures, follow rules, get promoted. It's the other ones, the fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants ones, which need careful observation. These are the types that will give bogus orders just to see if you have a head on your shoulders, if you can still think or if that's been beaten out of you already.
When it comes to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Caldwell knows that the gay ones are the by-the-book ones, just like the homophobes. They don't draw attention to themselves, not if they're career military. Ask them, and they will say we don't need 'em fags in the military, no sir! They don't have crazy non-regulation hair, they don't wear skin-tight black t-shirts, they certainly don't reassign personnel so that the new Lieutenant and his "friend" can be on the same off-world team. They don't throw quick grins at the Chief Science Officer in the middle of a meeting, or touch him carefully on the arm when they return from another near-death disaster. That is how Caldwell knows that Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard is as straight as they come.
v. Kolya
When Kolya throws Sheppard into the cell next to the Wraith's, the first time, before Weir refused to see reason and forced him to feed Sheppard to the Wraith, he pauses at the door, turns. Asks casually about Dr. McKay, "You seem close." Sheppard laughs so incredulously that Kolya smirks, "Nevermind."
He doesn't see that after he leaves, John sinks to the floor, shaking, wondering if he could stand it if someday his acting weren't good enough when it counted.