The Sentinel Season 3 - An Annoyingly Detailed Episode Guide
by ZelempaContents: (Stars go from 1 to 5 and refer to enjoyability, according to me.)
***** Warriors Jim loses his senses; Chopec warriors visit Cascade on a mission of justice.
** Three Point Shot Blair's favorite basketball player is under investigation for murder.
* The Girl Next Door Blair's new lust-object is a criminal.
**** Poachers Jim and Blair team up with some Fish and Game feds to catch some big-deal poachers.
* The Inside Man Jim goes undercover in a mob household. Blair... gets some time to catch up on his reading or something.
*** Vendetta Jim gets into a fight with a psychologically disturbed man, which turns out to be a bad idea. Blair has theories about SOCIETY.
* Fool Me Twice Blair romances a dignitary. Jim... uh, well, he gets hit in the head a couple of times.
** Storm Warning Jim and Blair go to a lighthouse to visit Jim's coast guard cousin and end up trying to protect the mistress of a Mexican heroin kingpin. As usual.
* Red Ice Did you know that Russia is one giant gulag? Neither did I till I watched this episode.
*** Dead Certain Jim gets territorial when the new forensics chief thinks she's a detective.
*** Breaking Ground Rainier student killed at dig site. Jim/Blair/Cassie tension continues.
...Second half of Season 3
3x01 Warriors
We open in Peru, because that's what happens in season premieres. Some Big Bad Logging or something is going on.
In Cascade, Jim tries to catch some thieves in a store at night. He gets confused by a weird smell. Seeing a gun, Jim shoots--but it turns out to be a cop!
Jim comes home and snipes at Blair about his annoying meditation music, then explains that he is upset about the accident. The guy didn't die, but he's still in the hospital. Blair calls it an "honest mistake." Jim is not convinced.
The next morning, Jim comes out of the shower (shirtless, natch) to find smoke billowing out of the toaster. When Blair comes in with the paper, Jim yells at him, then apologizes and admits he couldn't smell the smoke. He's lost his Sentinel abilities.
And he is good with it. When Blair protests that his Sentinel senses help him save lives, Jim responds that the moment they led him to nearly kill someone, they became not worth it. Blair gives a despondent "But Jim WHAT ABOUT US" face which is interrupted by a call from Simon--crime scene; Blair was specially requested. So I guess he's not totally useless. Yet.
What about us?
A man was killed by a Chopec dart. Jim is able to identify the killer from the markings on the weapon, because it happens to be somebody he knows: Incacha, the shaman who guided him when he first became a Sentinel in Peru. Uh-oh, old boyfriend in town!
Jim and Blair go to the big evil corporation where the victim was a bigshot. Jim questions the CEO guy, who is a total duuude, while Blair, waiting outside, runs into an old friend named Janet who is now overseeing the company's environmental policies. Despite Blair's explanation for his presence starting with "My partner, he's a detective," Janet figures out that Blair is involved with the police. Blair hits on her until she announces she's engaged, which state of affairs Blair describes as "terrible." Eventually Blair asks Janet to keep an eye out for any shady dealings in Peru. Jim emerges as they're hugging and grumbles something about Blair humping a table leg.
Incacha shows up at Jim and Blair's apartment! Blair doesn't know the language for some reason, and Jim sucks as a translater, letting Blair's explanation that he and Jim are "partners" (which Blair mimes by clasping his two hands together) go entirely untranslated so that Blair and Incacha just have to laugh nervously at each other. Incacha admits to killing the dead guy, but it was in self defense. Then Jim and Incacha have an argument: Incacha wants to capture and possibly kill the people who are in charge of the company destroying his homeland, and Jim wants him to not. Do that. Jim also confesses that he lost his Sentinel abilities, and Incacha says "A Sentinel will always be a Sentinel--if he chooses to be." Retardedly, the word "Sentinel" is in English, or else it's coincidentally the same in both languages LAME.
While Incacha pokes amusingly at things in the fridge, Jim and Blair discuss Jim's conflicting duties to the tribe and to the law. They're interrupted by a phone call from Janet, who is printing out some awesome evidence she found after social engineering her way onto the boss's login. Blair agrees to meet her in the garage of her building (WORST RENDEZVOUS POINT EVER) and suddenly Jim and Blair realize Incacha is gone.
In the car looking for Incacha, Blair bitches, "I really wish you had your Sentinel abilities" and Jim bitches "Well I don't" and they snap at each other until Blair finally brings up the point we've been waiting for: "Do you think Banks is going to let me be your partner if there's no legitimate reason for me to be here?" Jim weakly protests Simon has developed an "abiding tolerance" for Blair, and wonders bitterly if Blair's upset because he won't be able to finish his dissertation. Blair has to confess that he could have finished his dissertation months ago. "You've been stalling?" "...Yeah." Dawwwww. Blair says that continuing his life in academia would be like a merry-go-round after a roller coaster.
"You've been stalling?"
"...Yeah."
Although they haven't found Incacha, they're getting late, so they go to meet Janet. Of COURSE she is dead in the parking lot. She has Incacha's arrow in her back, but Jim immediately (correctly) assumes she was killed by her employers for knowing too much, because the Chopec wouldn't shoot an unarmed woman in the back.
CEO Dudeface and Some Other CEO Type argue; SOCT doesn't want to be implicated in killing; Dudeface points out he doesn't mind killing anyone "with brown skin who lives in a hut," and, wow, seriously, bravo, Dude, for playing the racism card to justify murder. I'm actually legitimately impressed. As they're walking into the Parking Garage of Doom, Chopec warriors jump out and attack them. Dudeface shoots Incacha and runs away, and the rest of the warriors capture the other white guy.
Blair pacing in his apartment (we see that it's #307) saying "I'm so stupid! I'm so stupid! Why'd I let her get involved!" to nobody in particular when he hears a noise in the hall and finds Incacha bleeding on the doorstep.
That's never good.
Jim totally flips the hell out when the paramedics arrive, ranting and raving about proper Chopec burial rituals. Blair and Jim have a loud, dramatic argument in front of everyone in which they make no bones about yelling about Sentinel-related topics. So that's their deal now? They just want people to know? Blair refutes Jim's accusation that he's trying to get him to calm down: "I need your emotions up and I need them open! You've gotta get your senses back! ...Become the Sentinel to save the tribe!" He pushes Jim bodily out the door.
Fight!
On the roof, Blair makes Jim listen to his meditation music and talks him into finding his spirit animal. Jim has a vision where he finds his panther, who morphs into Peruvian!Commando!Jim, and tells him basically to suck it up and be a Sentinel again. He'll be responsible for his actions whether he has superpowers or not so he may as well have them. Peruvian!Commando!Jim morphs back into the panther and leaps into Jim's chest. Jim returns to the present with abilities intact and zooms in on a roof garden across town.
Sentinel and Guide.
There's various fighting in and around the roof garden. I'm on line 95 of this summary, so I will not elaborate. Also, I was thinking about what I was going to write in earlier parts of this, so I wasn't paying that close attention. Jim gets the once-and-future-captive CEO cuffed first and then tracks down Dudeface, stopping his escape, not by jumping on his car as you might expect, but by shooting his tire with an arrow. Also, Blair hits a bad guy over the head at one point. The Chopec creep up and have a conversation with Jim, but disappear mysteriously when his back is turned. Jim tells Blair the Chopec told him he's not the Sentinel of the tribe anymore. Blair: "After all we went through?!" Jim: "I'm the Sentinel of the Great City." Fade out on Blair chattering that that makes him the Shaman of the Great City.
Best Moments: Jim and Blair's argument in the car about what would happen if Jim continued to not be a Sentinel was particularly satisfying because this show often ignores issues like that (I thought they might just pull a "one week!" and not explain why Jim and Blair expect never to be parted). Also, it read just like a slash story, teasing us by coming 95% of the way to a mutual declaration of devotion. I also quite like the screaming match in front of the paramedics--very emotional and full of Jim's special brand of rough and manly yet entirely gratuitous touching.
Also, there is a funny part at the station where Jim holds out the phone toward Blair and Simon and says "It's for you, Chief," and Blair has to be like, "I think he means me."
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3x02 Three Point Shot
On the way to the basketball arena, Jim and Blair have a boring conversation about insurance which may qualify as foreshadowing? or a theme? or something? since players' insurance policies are discussed later. Anyway, the point is, Jim has a new truck from '69.
BLAIR: I never would have pegged you for a retro man.
JIM: Are you kidding? '69 was a very good year for me.
BLAIR: Yeah, yeah. I was born.
JIM: Except for that.
Simon, who is friends with the Cascade Jaguars' manager, has gotten Jim and Blair visitor access to a practice. Blair is really excited. Security head Ray Krause (whose name I remember because it reminds me of Ray Kowalski and Peter Krause) tries to introduce Jim and Blair to one of the star players, Dwight Roshman (whose name I remember because I looked it up), but he rudely blows them off. It's made up for by the polite chitchat of a kind aging player, who turns out to be Blair's junior-high hero Orvelle Wallace (who is clearly played by a real basketball player). During practice, Blair and Jim commiserate about rumors that the team is moving, and the camera does a weird thing where it periodically goes to black and white during filler shots of play. Roshman and Wallace get into an argument on the court, and Krause apologizes to Jim and Blair and says practice is closed.
In the locker rooom after practice, Roshman gets his assistant to walk to his car dressed as him and bring it around. In the garage, the assistant is shot and the car stolen.
Even though it seems like a "basic carjacking," Jim and Blair investigate. Learning from Krause that Roshman has gotten some threatening letters, they go to his house to ask about them. His girlfriend, Shelley, shows them to the court in the back. Roshman says he threw aways his letters and doesn't want to talk. Blair wants to play against Roshman, because even though he is little (Roshman calls him "Tiny Tim"), he was all city point guard, whatever that means. Blair offers two-on-one, to Jim's dismay. The camera does its cool-awesome-basketball-black-and-white thing, which is kind of funny now that Jim and Blair are getting totally crucified. Blair pulls Jim aside to tell him to use his senses. After that, they are more competitive; Jim makes a long shot ("What kinda shot is that?" cries Roshman, to which Blair crows, "A three point shot!") and Blair even gets a basket.
Use your senses, dumbass.
Blair and Jim question Wallace at the arena. He's getting treated for his old injuries (Okay, Jim tries to question him, and Blair interrupts, gushing, "You're like a Viking! You've got battle scars! You must have an incredible threshold for pain!" Blair is so cute when he interested in things.) Wallace has a muscle spasm and Blair offers him a ride home, which he accepts. On the way out to the car, he and Blair chat about his trip to Africa and the Tanzanian bracelet he wears.
An APB interrupts the drive--they've found Roshman's stolen car. Despite Blair's protests that "this is not a pursuit vehicle!" they join the chase. Blair loves his car too much to test her, and Jim steps on his foot to make him speed up. Blair wasn't expecting that (because it's insane) and swerves out, but the car is still caught by a bunch of police. Some kids get out. They found it dumped somewhere. Whoever killed Roshman doesn't care about the car.
The plot having thickened, Simon has tickets to a dinner/banquet/party/thing being held by his manager friend, and he wants Jim to go.
JIM: Huh. I guess Sanburg's gonna have to press his tie.
SIMON (sadly): Guess that means you'll be needing both tickets.
At the event, Blair ogles cheerleaders. He also discusses placing bets with his cousin Robert the bookie, and Jim's like, "You know I could bust you for that." Roshman and Wallace get into another fight about Shelley. Wallace's bracelet breaks and Krause returns it to him.
Impressive.
Shortly thereafter, Roshman is found dead. Jim finds a little pebble at the site, but can't ID the material. More investigation and elimination of various leads occurs before Blair finally admits that he knew immediately it was part of the bracelet.
JIM: Do you know what you've done?!
BLAIR: Withheld evidence vital to an ongoing investigation...
JIM: Simon's gonna kick your ass. I should kick your ass!
Come on, Blair. Submit to Jim's moral authority.
The pebble provides the grounds for a search warrant. Jim goes off to get it and Blair goes on an errand of his own: a meeting with a bigwig in his cousin's gambling ring. He learns that Krause had major debts. Meanwhile, irrefutable evidence is found at Wallace's house. Simon seems genuinely upset: "This is gonna kill Sanburg." Aw, Simon's a sweetie.
Big Game. The announcers are convincing in that they have the right kind of voices and say some boring stuff which I tune out, but they also describe the ball as "the basketball" and the game as "the basketball game," which makes me think the writers may know as little about basketball as they know about being a police officer, a grad student, or a heterosexual. Anyway, Jim and Simon show up to arrest Wallace, and the manager guy convinces them to wait until the game is over. Blair shows up with his crazy theories and anonymous sources, and nobody believes him until Jim overhears a phone conversation in which Krause tells Wallace to throw the game or he'll kill Shelley, whom he is holding hostage in the rafters. Jim goes to rescue Shelley while Blair tries to Simon, who waves him off with a "Not now, Sandburg," and you get the feeling this happens a lot. Once he's told Simon Blair runs off to tell Wallace that Shelley's rescued, which earns him a hug from his hero.
The climactic scene involves Jim vs. Krause hand-to-hand in the catwalks while Wallace jumps back into the game with less than a minute left to go and three points behind. Even though we have been carefully introduced to the concept of a three point shot, the Jags make up the difference in a series of one- and two-point shots. As they win the scoreboard comes crashing down, of course. Jim dangles from a rope, Krause clinging to his legs (this always happens to Jim) and asks "Did we win??" Wallace nods at Blair from across the floor, and Blair grins. Karate-Kid-esque freeze-frame and SCENE!
Yo Adrienne!
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3x03 The Girl Next Door
Blair calls Jim from his giant cell phone while driving painfully in a clunky, backfiring car. The mechanics couldn't fix it, but he won't junk it because it's a "classic" (that will be repeated so often you will think Blair is the valet from On the Razzle). He promises to be home within minutes, but Jim callously insists on leaving for a stake-out without him, even though it's broad daylight. After he leaves, a girl fights with her boyfriend in the parking lot.
Blair arrives in time to release the girl, Iris, from the trunk of her own car. Blair tries to call the police, but Iris stops him. Blair is impressed by her "my parents were counterculture" story, and mentions Naomi. iris asks take a shower at Blair's because of some water issue in her new apartment. He laughs and raises his eyebrows as if she has just asked him to be present in said shower.
The next day Jim is awakened by the sound of Iris playing Blair's electric guitar "signed" "by" "Jimi Hendrix". Blair must have warned her about his partn-uhhhh-roommate, because all she says when he comes down to yell at her "You must be Jim. Nice boxers."
They are pretty nice.
At the station, Taggart finally gets his big chance to join the stake-out party because Blair is busy chasing girls. Wow, Taggart ranks low. Jim complains about Iris. Simon thinks he is taking his "big brother" role too far. Sure, Simon, that's what's happening. Jim proceeds to spend the next indefinite number of hours poring through girls' mug shots (isn't there, like, a stakeout or something tonight?) until he finally finds Iris's record. She is mixed up in heroin dealings.
Iris gets a call from Chance, then calls Blair to cancel dinner because she's stranded downtown. Blair gallantly comes to pick her up. Iris tells him to make a stop and while Blair waits in the car, he's briefly accosted by a guy with a gun, who thought he was someone else (Chance also has long curly hair and is weirdly short). Gun Guy goes inside and a moment later all three come running out, there is a brief skirmish, and Iris and Chance jump into Blair's car and make him drive at gunpoint.
The police recover security footage from the incident which shows Chance from the back completely convinces Simon that Blair is working with Iris to STEAL HEROIN AND SHOOT PEOPLE. Jim is more doubtful, and yet somehow his Sentinel sight which was able to spot an Adam's apple from fifty feet on a blurry tape in season 1 (Cypher) cannot detect that that guy is not his best friend in the world. JIM. COME ON NOW. YOU KNOW WHAT BLAIR LOOKS LIKE FROM BEHIND. "Sandburg doesn't own a jacket like that," Jim offers. Okay, good enough.
The police respond to an APB on Blair's car, which is currently being driven by Chance-- right through a flaming accident. "THOSE WERE SCHOOLKIDS, MAN!" Blair screams. "THEY NEED OUR HELP." "You're joking, right?" Chance and I chorus. Man, a schoolbus accident must be like the best thing ever to happen to fugitives in a car chase. Sure enough, the police stop to help and they get away; whereupon Chance dumps Blair unceremoniously by the side of the road. A moment later Guy with Gun arrives and rekidnaps him. Poor Blair. All he wanted was some pussy. Maybe this will learn him.
Iris and Chance meet up with Iris's heroin kingpin / mechanic brother, who excitedly starts working on the "classic". Well, maybe Blair will eventually get a fixed car out of this.
Guy with Gun takes Blair to an abandoned gas station, and shoves him roughly into the men's room. I am nervous. But he just locks Blair in and calls Iris, who tells him, sorry, but she doesn't care what happens to Blair. Resourceful Blair makes a makeshift weapon from the mirror frame and attacks Guy with Gun when he comes back, and makes good his escape. Run, tiny man!
Jim and Simon arrive at Rob's garage. Jim smells Blair's oil (the oil of his CAR). Chance crawls out of the woodwork and Jim yells "WHERE'S BLAIR SANDBURG?" Chance is unhelpful, probably because I doubt he knows the name of Iris's stooge. Sentinel music plays as Jim spots a trail of oil, even though it is clearly visible.
Blair tries to hail a truck to no avail; the next car that comes along is his Classic, helmed by Rob and Iris. They re-re-kidnap him and take him to the international train depot, where Iris leads him around with her arm around his and a gun concealed in an oven mitt, which looks ridiculous. In a closet, Iris holds the gun while Rob and Blair strip their shirts and tape heroin to their stomachs. ("I thought you wanted to get naked with me," Iris teases a protesting Blair.) While she and Rob, total amateurs, are trying to figure out a way to repackage the heroin so it's less conspicuous, Blair manages to disarm Iris and knock out Rob. Go Blair. In a desperate moment, Iris offers to split the money three ways, but Blair says "I'm not into threesomes." I glumly delete my directory of Blair/Jim/Catwoman fic.
It really is packaged poorly.
Gun Guy is back! Will he ever stop boring me? He and Iris team up against Blair after Iris uses her feminine wiles. They're just about to shoot him when Jim shows up and shoots the gun out of Iris's hand. The bad guys disperse and Jim and Blair have a surprisingly bland reunion. (Only an arm touch!) Oh well, as Jim points out, there's still work to be done. Jim goes after Gun Guy, following him through a parked train where Gun Guy briefly takes a chef hostage. This doesn't deter Super Action Jim from shooting at him but it does lead to a carton of cayenne pepper being used a shield. It doesn't work out as badly as you'd think. Eventually they continue the chase on dirt bikes (Jim doesn't jump on, sadly) and Gun Guy trips himself up in a pile of luggage like a big dumb idiot.
The actiony chase is contrasted with the more suspenseful (that is to say, slow) scenes of Iris sauntering casually away and Blair following her at a reasonable pace with a dark expression. She reaches the classic; he reaches her; taps her on the shoulder, gets kissing-close, and... grins. IS HE BAD AFTER ALL??????
No. He drives up (yay he did get the car back!) to Jim and Simon and show them Iris... in the trunk of his car! She looks chagrined.
What! Blair served Jim, Simon and Taggart the aphrodisiac meal! But I thought he didn't like threesomes...? Maybe only to watch. Playing his "Jimi Hendrix" guitar, he complains about having had to be booked in re: the heroin thing. (Iris corroborated his story, so he got off.) He gets back at the officers by telling them their dessert is moldy. ALSO, presumably, making them hot for each other. The end!
Notice how Blair's not partaking.
Would have liked to see: Less of boring Iris and her boring criminal friends, and more Jim angst. Sure, he's vocally annoyed with Blair's interest in Iris (it's kind of sadly poignant how he hates when Blair gets involved with other girls but Blair is all "Woo hoo!" when he does), but we don't see much of his reaction to learning that Blair is missing, mixed up with criminals, and possibly criminal himself.
Non-J/B Pairing of the Week: Between Rob smiling indulgently as Iris made sexual remarks to Gun Guy and Iris telling Blair "don't knock it till you've tried it" regarding a potential B/I/R three-way, the incestuous chemistry was on this week.
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3x04 Poachers
Simon, Jim, and Blair are out on a fun day of fishing! Blair is wearing a ridiculous denim hat and tiny round sunglasses. Simon moves down-river with some excuse, and Jim says (and I quote) "All right my little guppy, ready for your first fly casting lesson?"Some guys watch them with binoculars. One, Marshall, gets a cell phone call in which he and some guy called Tommy discuss "merchandise" which Tommy wants in 24 hours. Tommy says (and I quote) "Don't misinterpret the concept of loyalty. It cuts both ways." Don't worry, it didn't make sense in context either. Marshall and his friend load up with major gunnage.
Simon takes a cute picture of Jim and Blair with Blair's big fish, then Jim releases it. For a nature guy Blair is strangely distraught to learn about conservation measures.
Hey Blair, Blossom called, and she wants her hat back.
Marshall is attacked by a bear and mauled to death. The end.
Okay, not quite. Jim hears weapon fire and arrives to find Marshall's body, giant gun, and walkie-talkie. He spots Marshall's friend across the woods and chases him, jumping on his car (drink!) but falling off (spit out your drink?)
At the office, Simon gives Jim and Blair the info that Marshall's friend is named Sid and has a hunting lodge. Jim and Simon agree to bring in the guy first and then tell the Fish and Wildlife people, whose jurisdiction this really is. So the boys go stand in some leaves and observe at the lodge, which is really more of a clearing (there's a cute moment where Blair offers Jim binoculars, and he says "I got it covered.") A man and a woman (Number One from Babylon 5) come to do business and Sid is too distraught about the death of his partner (because all the men on this show have partners). As soon as the woman convinces Sid to take her money Jim calls in his units to arrest the three of them. The woman demands Jim's info. Jim: "James Ellison, badge number 733. If you want to send flowers you can't go wrong with roses."
Jim's eating his sarcasm the next day when Number One and her partner show up at the station. They're from the Fish and Wildlife Commission! D'oh! And their real names are Walters and Rafferty. Walters is hot-tempered and outspoken and Rafferty sort of hangs around in the background looking cool in his tight black T-shirt and goatee and occasionally saying soothing things like "Tempers are all high here..." Walters delivers a poaching PSA and Simon agrees to help fix/continue their case and gives them the resources of Jim and Blair.
In the hall Jim and Walters butt heads about how to go about the case, and it's more entertaining to watch Blair and Rafferty in the background. Rafferty is trying to show Blair some files or something, but Blair keeps looking over at Jim and Walters and then back at Rafferty as if to ask "Is that okay, what's going on over there?" The scene ends with Jim and Walters agreeing snippily to split up and Jim whistling to get Blair to follow him like a little puppy.
As the two walk back to the lodge to look for more clues they discuss their new friends.
JIM: Well, Rafferty's not so bad, but I could do without what's-her-name. Walters?
BLAIR: Yeah, right. You know what I think? I think there's a definite attraction between you two.
JIM: Yeah, I think you've been chewing peyote buttons again.
BLAIR: Yeah. It's inevitable. You guys are too much alike.
JIM: You're forgetting your physics, Chief. Opposites attract. Like forces repel. And I am definitely repelled.
BLAIR: Whatever.
Jim holds Blair back suddenly, sensing danger, just before a guy randomly opens fire on Jim and Blair with a semi-automatic weapon. Jim shoots him in self-defense.
Forensics found the number of a Chinese herb store on the body. Walters and Rafferty got the same store from their informants, but they don't know how to get in with the people there. Jim asks what's the most expensive item a store like that could carry, and Walters says narwhal tusk. Blair helpfully explains what a narwhal is, and Walters confirms that the tusk is very expensive. Blair continues under his breath, "It has other special powers, I'll tell you about them later. Unicorn of the sea, th-- Narwhal." Ignoring him, Jim calls the store and leaves a message offering a source of narwhal tusk.
Apartment. Jim ties on an apron as Walters and Rafferty show off a tusk from their confiscation locker. Blair says it's an aphrodisiac; Jim says "Keep it away from the kid, he's liable to field test it." While Walters complains and Jim cooks, Rafferty plays with the tusk and tells Blair the story of how he started out as a poacher and then became a fed. Blair seriously looks like he wants to eat Rafferty up with a spoon.
That's great. Tell me more about your fascinating life while I imagine that tusk in your hand is me.
BLAIR: You know, if you didn't like her, you would have sent out for Thai noodles.
JIM (whispering): Why don't you close it and get me a bay leaf.
BLAIR (laughs): Maybe you should put the tusk in there, Jim.
JIM: Maybe I should put you in here.
Don't mind my chest in the way of your elbow.
Blair takes over stirring as Jim answers his phone, then taps Blair on the chest excitedly to show that this is the important call they have been waiting for!
Blair and Rafferty watch from a car as Jim and Walters, tusk in hand, meet with the suspects and drive off in their limo. Rafferty tries to tracks them with an FBI GPS but the bad guys jam the signal. "Beautiful. That's a nice piece of machinery you got there," Blair snipes.
Jim and Walters are meeting with Tommy from the beginning. Jim convinces Tommy they're not Feds by quoting Sun Tzu or something. Walters follows up by offering references. For some reason Jim volunteers that he and Walters are "partners," and Walters says "We're more than partners, we're married." For some reason.
After they're home and safe, Walters and Jim yell at each other, but then they go out to dinner to try to smoothe things over. Jim mentions that Sandburg thinks that "we have a thing for each other," and they both kind of giggle, and he says "I think we could be friends." Then he takes a call from Tommy. New rendezvous: the docks!
They meet Tommy on his boat, which begins to sail away, to their dismay and to the dismay of Blair and Rafferty, who are watching from nearby, and Simon, who is doing his usual "This investigation is going down the tubes FAST SHIT SHIT SHIT" routine. Blair and Rafferty get instructions to go north with the goods (there's goods? besides the tusk?) and they feel they have to follow them for their friends' sake.
On the boat Tommy feeds Jim and Walters rare dead things and quizzes Jim about Musashi Miyamoto. Jim knows all about it and so do I because I totally friggin watched the Samurai Trilogy. Jim quotes Ghandi and explains "In life I'm a pragmatist; in my heart, an idealist." Oh Jim.
As night falls, Jim and Walters face a "one bed??!!!" situation. Jim's willing to give it up, Walters insists on flipping for it and loses, and Jim makes her stick with the way the coin went. Ha ha.
Blair stands at the helm of the motorboat heading to Canada while Rafferty sits on the tarp-covered goods, suggestively rubbing the spot next to him. Blair is about to call Simon when he gets a call from Tommy arranging a rendezvous point. After he fills in Rafferty but before he can call Simon, Rafferty pulls a gun on him. Well, we all saw that coming, but we didn't want to believe. Blair makes his usual "I am about to be shot" face but instead of waiting for Jim to rescue him, this time he throws the boat into a spin, knocking Rafferty off his feet. Blair grabs the gun from the floor and holds it on Rafferty, saying, "Don't kid yourself, I've shot more guys than John Wesley Harding." I don't know who that is, but it seems to work.
Jim and Walter's Sleepover of Fun. From the floor, Walters says she's been "thinking about what you said... or what you said Sandburg said." Jim: "I smell smoke." Jim saves an engineer from a fire and Tommy is impressed.
Blair abandons Rafferty on a rock, then joins the big boat. Tommy's boss comes in another motorboat and, after checking out the merch, blows the heroes' cover. He learned their identities from Rafferty, whom he then killed, because "he wanted to be my partner; but that was one too many." Tommy's boss wants to kill the cops, but Tommy still kinda seems to like them. "There will be no killing aboard my ship!" So Tommy's boss ties up Jim, Walters, Blair and Tommy in the hold. Blair distracts Tommy with a discussion of culture vs ecosystem while Jim and Walters escape. Hee. Not that it matters since they also untie Tommy. They take out a bunch of the guards, and then there is a personal motorized watercraft chase (are the writers trying to hit every form of transit?) set to ridiculous rock music. Tommy's boss is caught but Tommy gets away, which we are all good with because he is kind of likeable.
Police station. Blair wants to perform chemical analysis on the narwhal tusk. Walters tells Jim she knows a place for good fishing but she can't tell him where it is; "you need a guide." Good one, Walters, Jim is a sucker for guides. Jim agrees to go and sleep in her two-man tent. As she leaves, Blair comes up and asks in innuendo-voice if the fishing spot is "catch and release," and I'm not sure what that means. Still joking into the end music, Jim and Blair walk off with their arms around each other.
We are friends!
Best moments: The "opposites attract" conversation (Jim and Blair are opposites!!!) The scene in the boys' apartment, when each flirts with their own favorite member of the other Fed team, and then they meet up at the stove for teasing and cooking (their open marriage is so pleasant). Of course, the final shot at the end of them walking off together, which makes it into so many vids because it is World's Gayest.
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3x05 Inside Man
An old guy walks his grandson peacefully down the docks, giving him life advice. We cut to black-and-white, and it turns out the grandpa is Dominik Lazar, a mob boss, under police surveillance, currently being watched by Jim, Blair and a third officer named Frank. "If only there was a way to get close to him," says Jim. If only!
Jim walks Blair to his car, holding an umbrella over both their heads. Blair notes that Jim seems particularly interested in this case. "Pretty savvy, kemosabe," says Jim. He tells Blair to ask him about Jimmy Fanetti sometime. "Hey, Jim," says Blair immediately, "who's Jimmy Fanetti?" It doesn't work.
What a lovely day to be caught in the rain.
After Blair drives off (to do... what? his other job? for once?) Jim sticks around to get something to eat from a street vendor, and his enhanced Spidey sense informs him that a rope holding a heavy thing above the grandson's head is about to snap. He runs through the crowd and rescues the boy. The mother suddenly appears and thanks Jim for saving her son's life with not so much relief as bedroom eyes. Jim resists, then finally consents to be bought dinner.
At a restaurant, the mom, Michelle, attempts to flirt until Dominik shows up all "What can I give you as payment" and without missing a beat Jim says "A job." Dominik decides to make Jim Edward's new personal bodyguard. After Dominik leaves, Michelle warns Jim against getting involved in the family.
Simon's office. Simon is pissed that Jim just decided to go undercover without consulting anyone, but, as Jim protests, the opportunity just fell into his lap. (Simon seems pretty OK with Jim doing fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants police work in general, anyway.) Frank leaps to Jim's defense. Jim asks him to come up with some good background for him--criminal record, dishonorable discharge, whatever. (That last shouldn't be too much of a stretch.)
At Jim's desk, Blair asks again about Jimmy Fanetti. Jim explains that he's an old cop friend who disappeared mysteriously while undercover in the Lazar family/company. I will gain a modicum of respect for this show if it turns out he's dead. "You know," says Blair, "I've always wanted to do a study on a family like the Lazars. How they interact..." Jim and I call bullshit, and Blair says, "Come on, you need me in their to watch your back." PLEASE SAY YES JIM. Awww, stupid protectiveness. Damn, I hope this isn't Garett's week off.
When Jim arrives at the Lazar estate he's patted down by a guard, who says he'll stop when he's "good and ready," causing Jim to slam him against the car and say "I don't like being handled." Ha! Jim's so cute when he doesn't like stuff. The encounter ends with the arrival of Erika, Dominik's daughter, who is Miss Calendar from Buffy.
Jim walks down the street with Edward, being the bestest big brother ever. He convinces the quiet, serious child to play football with some neighborhood kids. Michelle arrives and panics, but Jim convinces her not to intervene. Edward scores touchdown (goal? basket?), and Michelle claps and laughs and leans into Jim. Edward and I glare.
Erika gives her father some medicine and tries to convince him to let her take over the family business, but he just wants her to find a MAN. Jim overhears some of this by standing extra-close to the door rather than using his superpower.
For some reason Jim is sitting down to dinner with Dominik, Erika, Michelle, and Edward. There's a squabble, and Michelle leaves the table in anger. Edward chooses to stay. Jim looks duly uncomfortable. Later, Jim catches up with Michelle and makes vague promises of help/protection. Also, he kisses her, even though he has shown negative interest in her up until this point.
The next day, there is an attack on the compound, and Jim only barely yells "Get down!" soon enough to protect Dominik and Edward. Jim fails at using his tiny gun to intimidate the guys with big machine guns. He tries to shoot them, but his vision goes blurry. While he's trying to figure things out, Erika neatly shoots the bad guys from the balcony.
Jim reports to Simon and Blair, who jumps up at the mention of sense problems and insists that he needs to get onto the grounds to help Jim. Simon: "Over my dead body."
"What are you talking about? When did this happen?"
Night is time for implied sex! Jim and Michelle make out. Sunrise. Michelle wrapped in blankets on Jim's bed. "I wanted last night to last forever."
Jim finds Edward on a swingset and tells him he's arranged for a new tutor (what? he can do that, as bodyguard? I guess he just had to suggest it to Michelle before/during/after their Intimate Tryst) and that he's a "fun guy" and "really smart." HOORAY, BLAIR! Edward leaves as soon as Blair arrives, giving the boys a chance to conspire. Jim has dutifully made a list of everything he came into contact with so Blair can pinpoint his allergy. Blair asks about "the lovely widow" in his usual way-to-go-Jim! fashion, and Jim refuses to discuss it.
The handsy guard tries to stop Jim from leaving the compound. Jim gets dizzy again, and Blair tries to run to his rescue, but is thrown easily away. Jim manages to punch out the guard, assures Blair he's fine, and goes to meet Simon and Frank. Frank has a picture of Erika meeting with the would-be assassins from earlier. Intrigue! Simon wants to pull Jim out (I guess they wisely didn't tell him about Blair), but Jim resists. Simon makes the most delight oh-SHIT face when he realizes Jim's doing the widow.
Jim returns to the compound where Erika yells at him and confines him to quarters. Blair's hanging out in the room and tells Jim he figured out that the allergy is from the magnesium in the spring water. At the moment, Jim's more concerned with the international panel of crime lords assembling downstairs. He gets Blair to help him pull up floorboards so he can escape the room.
Jim sneaks over to spy on the conference. Dominik makes a big reveal: his syndicate's heir is... Vincent, his own son, Edward's dad! He was alive all along. Erika is pissed.
Jim's next stop is Michelle's room where he tells her and Edward that he is a cop and he can get them out if they trust him. Michelle says "yes," Edward hesitates. The door opens--Dominik and Vincent. Edward immediately runs to his father and wastes no time in announcing "He's a cop. He asked us to go with him and Mom said she would." Kid knows where his loyalties lie. Jim is sent back to his room where Blair still is. Not *that* much a punishment, that.
Okay, Vincent comes back armed when he's done locking Michelle in a poolhouse or somewhere. Dominik, Edward and Erika join him. Jim fast-talks, and the Erika-put-a-contract-on-her-father's-head reveal distracts them for awhile. Erika announces (unwisely, I think) that she was trying to kill Edward in order to be the heir herself, so Vincent shoots her. Jim then disarms Vincent, but Edward gets the gun. Vincent orders him to kill Jim, but Jim manages to do the "Give me the gun. Give me the gun" thing that cops do on TV, and eventually takes it by the barrel from his limp hands.
Blair watches the proceedings with silent interest.
The cops surround the house.
Vincent pulls Michelle out of the poolhouse and holds her hostage with a knife before the police. For some reason, Jim tells Michelle "I can't help you. It's up to you," which instantly gives her the confidence/skill/strength to wrench out of her husband's grasp and send him into the pool. Jim fights with him in the pool and knocks him out, but pulls him out before he drowns. Michelle kisses Wet!Jim and touches his face in a weird way.
Michelle has been taking correspondence classes at the Jim Ellison School of Face Handling.
The police take away the bad guys. Jim, wrapped in a blanket, assured Edward that everything will work out. Then he talks to Michelle: she's moving (Witness Protection, presumably). Jim gives her the "maybe someday we can pick up where we left off" line, like, that's so his modus operandi, isn't it? Wham, bam, amorphous hypothetical suggestion, ma'am. Anyway, the show ends on a kiss and parting, and no 30 Seconds with Blair.
What I would have liked to see: Considerably more than 30 seconds with Blair.
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3x06 Vendetta
A woman leads a team of thieves breaking into a high-rise.
Jim and Blair stalk down the street to the truck, arguing. "I'm not in the mood for one your touchy-feely lectures," Jim snaps. "Look, just because the DA's not going to press charges, do not take it out on me!" Blair yells back. Apparently Jim is upset because he eyewitnessed a woman being robbed, but his testimonial will never be accepted because it relies on his super-senses. As he pulls out of a parking spot, he nearly runs a couple of cars off the road. Still angry, he accuses the other cars of going too fast.
One of the wronged drivers follows Jim, yelling and honking his horn. Blair notes that Jim's senses seemed to be suppressed because of his anger, and wants to study further. Jim is not interested. The wronged driver now gets out of his car and comes up to bang on the window and yell, scaring Blair. Jim gets out and puts the guy against the hood and makes fun of his cologne ("It's imported!" shouts the guy) and the guy continues ranting and threatening a harrassment suit. He also calls Blair a wannabe hippie. "Hey, man," says Blair. Did I mention that Blair has pointy sideburns this week? Because he does. They're kind of silly.
Does this make me look like I have cheekbones?
Jim and Wronged Driver are still yelling at each other when Simon calls Jim's cell to inform him about the high-rise theft. As our heroes fly to the scene of the crime, Wronged Driver--whose name is Freeman, so I'm just going to call him that--gets Jim's license number. (For those of you playing at home, it's 804 GDT.) We follow Freeman back to his apartment where he has finds a notice to vacate and a message from his psychiatrist on his phone, imploring him to come back to counseling. Freeman mutters that "nobody really cares" and "you're all the same" and takes a gun and shoots the notebook with Jim's name and license number. Great, our bad guy has debilitating psychological problems. This makes him much less fun to root against.
Freeman hacks into the motor vehicle registry site using some kind of program that gives him the password ("intersection") and finds out Jim's address. FYI, you can all send your love notes to:
James J. Ellison
852 Prospect Ave
Cascade, WA 98765
Note the lack of an apartment number. I would surmise that Jim, like Blair, gives out the station as his address to impress girls (and/or DMV employees), but it becomes plot-important that this is actually Jim's correct address, so. Maybe there is only one apartment? But then why do Jim and Blair have to get there by elevator? [ETA: Also, why does it say "307" on the door?] God, show, you only had to make up one little address--one! both of the main characters live in the same apartment!--and you couldn't get that right!
No, come back, show, I love you. I'm sorry.
Jim investigates the broken-into safe while Blair despairs for humanity to Simon.
BLAIR: As an anthropologist, I have to wonder what it is about our culture that breeds these type of criminals.
SIMON: I think it's the money.
Jim finds a partial print. Blair continues to have silly sideburns.
Elevator to Jim and Blair's numberless apartment. Jim sniffs the air while Blair theorizes about lack of control and need to vent frustrations as a cause of crime, complying with Jim's request to see the bottom of his shoes without slowing his motormouth. Blair can't find the key he leaves above the door, and Jim gives him his. They find a giant pile of horse manure in their living room.
At the station, Simon laughs at them and gives them a lead, an Australian jeweler. They go to question him and Blair gets distracted by his aboriginal jewelery. When they emerge, they find Jim's car about to be towed: someone reported it stolen. Jim spots Freeman's car down the street and gets the license number.
After learning about Freeman from his own legal access to the registry, Jim bitches about him to Simon at the station.
SIMON: Did you provoke this guy?
JIM: I got a little ticked off...
BLAIR: Yeah, well you've been getting a little too ticked off, too easily lately.
JIM: Was I talking to you?!
BLAIR (wide-eyed enthusiasm): See, that it's right there!
The conversation is sidetracked when Simon gets a call identifying the partial print Jim found as the jeweler's.
Somehow the jeweler's information leads to a chance for Jim to pose undercover as a Texan safe expert. Blair and his silly sideburns excitedly push the idea to Simon, explaining how Jim's Sentinel abilities will allow him to crack safes, and Simon finally relents. Alone with Jim, Blair admits to misgivings, since the gang will kill Jim if they find out he's a plant. Jim tells him not to worry. Then he notices they're being trailed by Freeman. He swerves off the road as Blair cries "What are you, nuts?", gets out, and hauls Freeman out of his car to yell at him. Blair has to drag him away.
...by the waist.
Adorable scene where Jim is trying to learn a Texas accent by watching episode after episode of Bonanza ("Did you know each of the sons had a different mother?") and Blair rants "Lorne Green is about as old west as William Shatner, which is fitting, since they're both CANADIAN, JIM." Then he schools Jim on lilt vs. twang. NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN CUTER.
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Blair doing his Texan lilt, with a basket of kittens for comparison.
Jim meets Melanie, the woman thief from the beginning, and the rest of the thieves. Jim's accent is pretty awful, and he seems to be confusing "Southern" with "flamer." He keeps doing these weird hand motions. He proves himself by unlocking a safe.
At the station, everyone thanks Jim for buying them expensive watches. Oh no! Freeman maxed out Jim's credit! Blair tells Simon that, as an ex-hacker, Freeman does have the expertise. "What else did you two find out?" asks Simon thinly, and OH MY GOD WHY DID WE NOT SEE JIM & BLAIR RESEARCH PARTY FUN. Jim receives a letter: Freeman has filed a restraining order.
Freeman is in the lobby of the thieves' favorite hotel, and he and Jim exchange some more words before Jim goes to meet with Melanie. He is expecting business, but it turns out that Melanie, like all the beautiful women on this show, just wants a chance at Jim's junk. Jim reacts, as he always does, by feigning ignorance and then outright resisting. "My wife wouldn't understand, you see," he explains finally, as his cell phone rings.
BLAIR [on the phone]: Hi Jim, it's me.
JIM: Hi honey!
BLAIR: Huh?
[Melanie strokes Jim's face, winks, and leaves.]
BLAIR: Jim... yo, Jim.
JIM: Yeah, sugar.
Alone, Jim explains the situation and asks Blair to have Simon pick up Freeman. Blair promises. "Now, you be careful." "Yeah. Thanks for calling. I love you too. Bye-bye," says Jim as Melanie returns.
Out in front, Melanie steals a kiss, and Jim wipes his mouth. On her way home, Melanie is almost run down by Freeman. He gets out of his car and apologizes and flirts. They end up at Make-Out Point.
Caper time! Simon organizes a SWAT team as Jim helps the thieves bust into a safe. But during the heist Freeman, who has followed Melanie, informs her that Jim is a cop. Blair and Simon, watching with binoculars, are alarmed when the thieves walk Jim out with a gun to his back. To Blair's alarm, Simon orders the sharpshooters to go. The resulting confusion allows Jim to get the upper hand. As the thieves are busted, Jim goes after Freeman.
Blair catches up with Jim just as he loses sight of Freeman and finally does a guide task, telling him to use his sense of smell. Freeman has accidentally made the incredibly strategic move of going into the sewer. Blair's encouragement allows Jim to isolate Freeman's cologne even there. There is a climactic scene where Jim has to prevent Freeman from firing a gun in the sewer, and then catches his arm right before he falls into a rushing river of some kind. Freeman dangles for awhile, with Blair repeating "You cannot let him go!" to Jim, until Jim finally hauls him up. Blair contributes by clinging to Jim's arm unhelpfully.
He's a stabilizing influence?
30SwB in the truck. "You all right?" Jim admits there was a moment where he was willing to let Freeman die. "Yeah, I know," says Blair softly. Blair generalizes about stress and anger and TODAY'S SOCIETY some more. "From now on," says Jim, PSA-ishly but slightly nonsensically, "I'm paying attention." It's kind of more of a "...huh" lead-in to the goofy end music/greenscreen/THE SENTINEL than we're used to.
Best moments: Blair making fun of Jim's Bonanza marathon and then being adorable; Jim greeting Blair on the phone with "Hi honey!" Even as a ruse, it's just what the doctor ordered.
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3x07 Fool Me Twice
A man is stabbed in the street. Later, Jim and Blair interview a witness who heard the man's dying words, which were something like "Benet shouldn't come here." Blair suggests that's Genevieve Benet, some kind of peace dignitary from the fictional country of St. Germaine (god, I hope it's fictional, or I'll look like an idiot) who's coming for the Amnesty International conference. Oh my GOD, Blair's sideburns are getting POINTIER. I cannot handle it.
While Jim, Blair and Simon are reviewing some evidence, including a pin Jim found at the scene, Genevieve Benet bursts in and yells at them for giving her an armed escort. Simon apologizes, calling her Dr. Benet. Genevieve can't identify the dead man or the pin. Blair asks her out, respectlessly calling her Miss Benet. She's snippy at first but then agrees to get something to eat with him.
The president of St. Germaine, Lemecc, whom Blair described as a thug who stole the last election, plots to kill Benet and make it look like a terrorist attack so he can justify his policies or something. He tells a mercenary to get him a missile. For some reason he feels he needs a giant missile to take out a medium-sized lady.
Jim pours coffee for Blair and quizzes him about his activities last night (talking to Genevieve for hours). He asks if Blair got her to accept police protection, and Blair says "My interest in her is not about that." "Oh really?" says Jim, sounding for all the world like his next words are going involve the phrase "j'accuse!" in some way. "Well, what is it about, Chief, huh?" Blair enthusiastically describes her "moral certainty" and how he could listen to her talk for hours. Jim doesn't trust her. Blair thinks he's wrong. Jim gets out of the conversation with the old "What's that smell? ... Oh, it's gone."
Blair and Genevieve bond, and then Blair carefully re-asks if she knew the dead guy. She says she didn't. "Okay," Blair accepts. Later, at Make-Out Point, she thanks him for helping her forget all the demands on her, for awhile. Blair kisses her, but after a moment she pulls away: "I can't do this. I can't let myself get involved. It has nothing to do you, Blair." What she doesn't say is it has everything to do with those ridiculous points on the sides of his face, but really, how can it not? (I promised myself I would stop complaining about the sideburns, but it's hard when other characters on screen are just going around taking Blair seriously, as though they are not even there!) Blair puts on a smile and says "No big deal."
They point at his mouth as if to say "Plant one right here, baby."
Responding to a call about a break-in in Genevieve's hotel, Jim finds a suspicious guy on the hotel roof. He jumps off rather than be caught. Later Jim tells Simon what he's found out--the jumper is one of Lemecc's personal hitmen. What was he after, Genevieve or something she had??
Genevieve stands in front of what appears to be a giant barrel which says "RCMP." She meets with the dead guy's mother, Clarice, who gives her an envelope.
Jim and Simon put pressure on Blair to put pressure on Genevieve, so he goes to her hotel room and begs her not to go to the ceremony. She refuses to be bullied by Lemecc. Blair protests, "Two people are dead, and we don't even know who one of them is!" Genevieve finally provides Dead Guy 1's name. She knew him. Blair rubs his face wearily.
Genevieve shows him the contents of the envelope: photographs taken by refugees showing the real conditions in Lemecc's St. Germaine. She thinks when she shows the photographs at her speech, the US will withdraw its trade agreements and that will topple Lemecc's regime (aw!) Blair worries about her safety, but understands the importance of her task.
Meanwhile, Jim is involved in a subplot about a crooked cop and the whereabouts of the famed missile. It's not really clear what the deal is. He gets hit over the head at one point, though. And he lets a criminal who helps him go.
Just stay still. It'll be over soon.
Okay, I went back and checked 3x05, and Blair's sideburns were slightly pointy. Not enough to cause alarm, but definitely trending. It is a steady progression. Of ridiculousness.
The 'burns in 3x05: Little did we know
So Genevieve is getting ready to give her speech and there's a guy with a missile trained on the site. Oh, I see. Genevieve lights ceremonial torch, and the heat-seeking missile is supposed to go toward it. But we've seen this shot of the gunman about to squeeze the trigger about eleven times, and it hasn't happened yet. Oh, there it goes. Jim figures out what's going on using his super...speedy... brain? Sense? and shoots a random offshore gas tank thing in order to create a new target for the missile. Thus he minimized casualties but destroys lots of property and lets us see a big explosion. Jim spots the gunman and takes off after him in his helicopter which he has.
At the world's most exciting torch-lighting ceremony, Lemecc gives Genevieve a gun and tells her to shoot him now if she can. She holds it to him for a really long time while reporters who can't believe their luck snap photos. Blair gently talks her out of pulling the trigger and then takes away the gun. But her reputation for professionalism and high-roadiness is still totally shot (ha! ha!)
Jim confronts the gunman, but gets a faceful of car door. The criminal that Jim let go arrives in time to save him. Then he lets Jim arrest him. Well, that's nice.
Blair bids Genevieve goodbye. "If you're ever up in Cascade again, I'm one hell of a tour guide." "You're much more than that," she says, which is sweet, I think, because he IS a guide-and-yet-more. She kisses him under his ridiculous facial point. He sadly watches her go. No 30SwJ.
SO SAD!
What I would have liked to see: Regular characters interacting with each other. I mean, obviously Jim/Blair, but I also would have accepted more Jim and Simon or something. Blair episodes are marginally better than Jim episodes, but either one is totally boring compared to Blair-and-Jim episodes. Even leaving slashiness aside (but really, why would you), the best dialogue, the most jokes, and the nicest moments are always between Jim and Blair, and if they're not in the same room we don't get any of that.
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3x08 Storm Warning
Jim and Blair are visiting Jim's cousin Rucker, a Coast Guard lighthouse station operator, for his birthday. Rucker isn't thrilled that Jim brought his partner, but Jim says he figured Rucker could use some extra people around with Andy, his "first mate," away. EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW HAS A PARTNER. A storm is coming. We get to look at ominous clouds. I should probably warn you right now that the storm has pretty much zero impact on the plot.
In the lighthouse Jim gives Rucker a present "from me and Sandburg." Calling your partner by his last name as you hand off a joint gift from the two of you doesn't make you any less of a couple, Jim. It's an "extendo-flexo fishing rod," which Blair describes as "as seen on TV!" He's disappointed to learn that Rucker doesn't have a TV. Or internet. Also, all of his books on tape are in Chinese. (Blair has two full-time jobs. When does he get all this time to watch TV and surf the web?) Jim suggests poker. Just then, Rucker notices a boat driving all fast and crazy on the radar.
Boat chase! Oh yeah, Jim has super senses:
JIM: There's nobody at the helm.
RUCKER: How can you tell without glasses?
JIM: Uh... just a guess.
RUCKER (looking through binoculars): You're right!
For the record, here's how that would have gone had Jim lacked superpowers:
RUCKER (looking through binoculars): There's nobody at the helm!
Jim has Rucker pull alongside the renegade boat and jumps onto it. That's it, right? We're done? Jim has now jumped onto every vehicle? Jim slows the boat so that Rucker can dock with it. Blair cries "Jim! Jim!" and looks so distraught with his hair falling out of his ponytail. Jim emerges carrying an unconscious woman.
"Jim! Jim!"
In the lighthouse, the woman is awake and wrapped in blankets. Jim and Blair gently question her. She says her name is Monique and she was running away from her boyfriend, Enrique, an "investment banker" who drunkenly threatened her, so she stole is boat and ran away, then passed out from lack of food and sleep. Also, she is out of cigarettes. Man, nothing is going right! Blair offers to teach her meditation techniques that helped his mom quit smoking. So, there's that. Also, she gets to wear Blair's clothes, including some fruity Alaskan boots he brought for some reason. (Blair says he spent a couple of months in an igloo. Between this and his three months with the Kombai Tree people (Love and Guns) and God knows how many other places Blair claims to have lived, he must be beginning to run out of months. Also: did they have TV and internet there, smartguy?) Just when things are looking up for Monique, though, Jim arrests her! Rucker found heroin on her boat.
Storm. Lightning. Jim tries to question Monique, but she freaks out. Blair is kind to her, and she tells him Enrique's real full name; Jim identifies him as the "Mexican heroin czar." Monique responds to all further questions semi-non-sequitur defensiveness: "I am his mistress and he threatened to kill me! Would you like to see what a BELT BUCKLE does to a WOMAN'S BACK?" Jim says "That won't be necessary." He uncuffs Monique and tells her she will be "well taken care of," as a witness, I guess.
By the way, Blair's sideburns are still L-shaped points, but I give up. Actually, they're... they're kind of growing on me. (NOT LITERALLY) So, yeah, you can go ahead and add "Stockholm syndrome" to my the list of ailments that afflict me, right alongside housemaid's knee, Dutch elm disease and sticker shock. The thing about the sideburns is, okay, yes, they're inherently evil, but they're also really sweet, and they only hurt me because I make them so crazy.
OBEY THE SIDEBURNS.
Uh. Anyway. The next day dawns sunny and clear. Jim goes back to the boat and finds a transmitter. Before they can devise a way to get Monique out before Enrique comes, Jim hears a helicopter. Too late! Bad guys are storming the island. Time to barricade the doors. Rucker announces that the bad guys have blown the comm link: "We're cut off!" Monique panics wordlessly. Man, she's annoying.
Jim and Rucker arm themselves with the station's two M16s as one of Enrique's men, Raoul, yells at them through a bullhorn to send out the woman. Blair stops her from going. The bad guys further cut off the team by blowing up their boat. Rucker's plan is to sneak through the crawlspace to the woods, make his way to the lighthouse, and use the radio there. Meantime, Jim must create a diversion. He lowers a sign out the window reading "DRUGS FOR MONIQUE" and Raoul calls that they are willing to negotiate with anyone who has the "cojones" ("That's be you, boss," says Rucker to Jim). "I don't know about this, Jim," says Blair. "Take it," says Jim, holding out M16. Blair stares for like ten minutes and then finally takes it. He's so cute with his giant gun he's too afraid/principled to use or look at directly.
Blair watches from the window as Jim is led out to meet Enrique. He tells them half the Cascade PD is headed out. "How did you call them? We knocked down your radio tower," says Raoul. Jim just nods. When Jim gets sassy in re: Enrique's purported battery of Monique, Raoul totally slams in the face with an M16. In the window, Blair reacts as if he's been hit, then puts a protective arm around Monique and says soothingly, "It's all right. He's gonna be okay." Weirdo. Enrique throws the briefcase of heroin into the water, saying he doesn't care about the dope, he wants his book. Jim: "What book?"
Back at the station, Jim goes through Monique's purse. He asks her about the book. She confirms Enrique writes everything (names, numbers; she didn't understand what, exactly) in little books, but she doesn't have one.
Bad guys notice Rucker in the lighthouse. Enrique orders Raoul to find the book then burn everything down.
Jim shows Blair how to use an M16. Blair doesn't want to kill anyone; Jim tells him he just has to shoot a burst over their heads to keep them back.
In the lighthouse, Rucker hails the police. He's interrupted when men storm into the room and start shooting.
Jim and Blair are standing by the station windows with their giant guns when the bad guys release a rain of bullets and they drop to the floor.
I only find guns sexy when held by 5'5" anthropologists.
BLAIR: Hey, Jim!
JIM: Yeah?
BLAIR: I just want you to know that this doesn't change my opinion on gun control!
JIM: I'll keep that in mind!
They both shoot out the windows until they run out of ammo. When Raoul and the others come to check out the damage, they're gone.
Jim, Blair and Monique make their way through the woods. I guess they go out through the crawlspace. It's raining, sort of. More misting, really. Just enough to make them all sort of sexily damp. IT'S THE PERFECT STORM. Blair notices that Monique has been shot. Jim goes to see if they've been followed while Blair binds the wound with a bandanna. Monique looks like she might hit on Blair, but she doesn't, exactly. Jim comes back and tells them to head for the lighthouse; once Monique starts walking, Jim pulls Blair aside to tell him to be careful with Monique.
BLAIR: What? Oh, come on, you still think she's trying to scam us, Jim?
JIM: Wouldn't be the first time one of us got hung with a good line.
You would think Blair would have learned by now that an underlying theme of this show is "Women can't be trusted."
Jim goes up against some guards at the lighthouse and Monique helps out by holding a flare gun to one of their necks. The lighthouse is empty by Jim hears a heartbeat and finds and injured Rucker nearby. Seeing a helicopter, Monique releases a flare. Jim's like THE HELL and she's all "I was scared!!" The helicopter is driven by Enrique and Raoul, who follow the team into the woods.
Rucker thinks they should abandon his injured self and save themselves. Monique says they should stay with him. Jim accuses Monique of trying to prevent them from getting off the island. Blair argues at first, but begins to believe Jim as he deconstructs Monique's lies. Jim holds up a tape which he got out of her walkman, theorizing that it contains the information from the stolen book. Monique confirms this by holding a gun on Rucker and demanding the tape back. Jim gives her what cannot be anything other than a Mandarin book on tape. Raoul and Enrique show up; Raoul kills Enrique, and Monique runs to him. With Monique's help, Jim explains Monique and Raoul's evil to take over the drug... selling... organization... thing. They're about to shoot the good guys when helicopters arrive.
In the confusion (Jim is ALWAYS taking advantage of confusion) Jim punches Raoul in the face. They fight while Blair runs through the woods after Monique. Blair pins and straddles her. Noticing the tape on the ground, Blair goes for it; Monique takes the opportunity to elbow him hard in the face, knocking him away, and giving him an ugly-looking bloody nose. Ouch. They scrabble for the tape. Blair manages to straddle her again from behind. Jim shows up. "I got everything under control," says Blair as he struggles to hold her down, blood streaming from his nose. "Wanna give me a hand?"
Got it covered!
Cops leading the bad guys away as Blair and Jim stand around (in other words, business as usual for the last minute of the show). Mandarin David Copperfield reveal. Rucker gets a call from Andy while in the background Jim tries to look at Blair's injury and Blair swats him away.
Let Dr Jim see.
So like... they must want us to think Jim and Blair are gay. Right? I mean... seriously.
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3x09 Red Ice
Blair, Jim and Micki Kamarev (someone from a previous episode?) are going to see a Nobel-winning Russian poet speak. Blair's really excited about it. "His gulag diaries are a primary source on neo-tribal adaptation!" At the talk, the poet is just inviting Micki to the front to thank her for some work she's done or something when he is shot. Blair says he didn't see or hear anything, did Jim? Jim says... NO! DUH DUH DUH!Station. No leads. Jim suggests the motive for the killing was to prevent the poet from talking, but Blair says "I don't think so. Corruption in Russia is no secret. I mean, everyone knows who's involved there." I don't know anything about Russia in '98, but I still cringe every time they make such a generalization. Just as Simon is dreading the Feds, Frank Mulroney of the FBI arrives. He doesn't take over the case, but he does want the department to work with Inspector Major Katrina Vaslova of the Moscow Metro Militia, liaison to the FBI. She's basically your stereotypical cold, suspicious, stereotypical Russian officer lady type. Sort of like Ninotchka without the fun.
Micki shows up with a priest, saying she needs her poet friend's body to honor his religion. Vaslova forbids it. Micki calls her a KGB agent. Meow, hiss.
Jim and Blair investigate the site. Jim finds a cloth tie thing to show which way the wind is going. He and Blair follow a trail of them half a mile away from the site. They end up in a tower room which is full of padding and mattresses. "This is like a padded cell," says Blair. "Or a big silencer," says Jim. They find two Russian coins, which Jim says is the calling card of a sniper called Yuri. "You know this guy?" "Yeah. We tried to kill each other in Peru." Duh duh duh! (Sorry. I'm really trying to make this episode more exciting for you.)
Station. Diamonds were found in the poet's digestive tract. He was a diamond smuggler! Vaslova suspected it all along, but didn't say anything because she is Untrustworthy. They decide to spread the word they're shipping the body back to Moscow and see who shows up at the shipping warehouse to grab the diamonds.
Stakeout. Jim and Blair sit in a darkened car. "Jim, you've been putting me off all day, man. You going to tell me about Yuri?" Jim tells a story about how Yuri killed his friend in Peru. Blair gets a Stricken Look of Empathy. Simon calls them into the warehouse. They've apprehended Micki. Jim: "I thought I was your friend!" Micki: "You are, but you are also a policeman." Vaslova leads Micki away, omenously saying, "Don't worry, you can talk to me. Won't that be nice, huh?"
Yuri is watching this go down from a rooftop. He spots Jim through his crosshairs and spits "Elyasyan!" Jim hears him with his gun and tries to get everyone down; Yuri shoots a redshirt. Jim spots him and runs over to the building where he is, only to find a bomb. But it doesn't go off. The display just says "Ellison."
Yuri uses the Internet, and the show continues on its crusade to give us as much personal information about Jim as possible. His screen flashes:
ELLISON JAMES J.
D.O.B. 09/14/1957
HEIGHT = 183cm
WEIGHT= 90 kg
EYES = BLUE
S.I.N. 014-405-89
PRESENT ADDRESS
We don't see his present address but it's okay, because we know it from Vendetta. By the way, this scene is totally useless, because even though we clearly see Yuri get a satellite photo of Jim's house, he never, ever goes there. Not to dump horse manure or anything.
Vaslova questions Micki as Simon, Jim and Blair watch from behind the mirror. Micki insists on speaking in English because "Russian in a police station brings back bad memories." They argue and Vaslova bitch-slaps Micki, who bitch-slaps her back. Jim runs in and yells at Vaslova "You, out, now!" In the hall he gives her a talking-to. She's like, whatever, in my country, blah blah fake Russia.
Jim and Blair talk outside. Blair likens Yuri to a Sentinel, except his super-senses come from technology. Also, as Jim points out, he is bad instead of good. Jim gets a phone call from Yuri, who just wants to chit-chat. (Guys, he's lonely! just wants a friend!) "I didn't recognize you at first but then, a man in jungle fatigues looks very different from one in a stylish leather coat," he says. Whuh-oh. Jim looks around, spots Yuri on a rooftop sniping distance away, and hustles Blair inside to tell Simon.
A man in jungle fatigues looks very different from one in a kicky snowflake sweater.
Micki makes bail. Jim and Blair try to convince her to stay in the station where it's safe, but she won't. Suddenly, they are all kidnapped!!!
They're taken to some lodge in the woods. Mulroney and Vaslova are there. Apparently this is now a joint FBI-CIA operation and that somehow explains why there was a bunch of kidnapping. Shows from the point of view of cops hate the FBI. It's like they think the FBI is part of some kind of Fake-Russia-esque shadow government. Meanwhile, in X-Files, local cops are all bumbling idiots. Anyway, the plan is I guess to draw Yuri out using Micki as bait.
JIM: And how do I figure into this?
MULRONEY: Well, given your history with Yuri, we felt that your continued involvement might prove useful.
JIM: What makes you think I want to stay?
MULRONEY: Because you want to protect Miss Kamarev and you want Yuri just as badly as we do.
Okay, I guess. We cut to the next scene without any further explanation, which I sort of feel is required. For example, here's a conversation which does not happen:
BLAIR: And how do I figure into this?
MULRONEY: Well, given your extensive knowledge of neo-tribal adaptation, we felt that your continued involvement might prove useful.
BLAIR: What makes you think I want to stay?
MULRONEY: Because you want to protect Mr. Ellison. And uh. You want him just as badly as Yuri does?
Anyway, back in real reality, an agent shows the gang all this security technology in the lodge, which Blair says is "very cool." Then Mulroney sends off most of the feds, saying Yuri won't move with so many people around, and promising they'll send in a team as soon as there's any sign of him. Jim is like, this is not very cool. Sure enough, Yuri taps into the security system and gets a clear view of where everyone is. He picks off the two Feds, leaving only named characters.
As they cower behind the couch, Jim argues with Mulroney over the walkie-talkie. He won't send in more men; they're on their own. Jim declares Vaslova is in a charge and says he's going to go find Yuri. The blocking in this scene makes it look like Jim and Blair are about to kiss, but that's about it for slash this episode, I think. Oh, and Vaslova has her arm around Micki for no reason whatsoever. So, there's that.
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| Slash... | Femslash. | |
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| Once again, that's slash... | Femslash. |
Um, I'm kind of bored so I'll just wrap it up. Jim goes out and he and Yuri play hide and seek. Vaslova loses patience, thinks Jim is dead or abandoned them (despite Blair's adamant faith in him) and goes out to look. Yuri shoots her non-fatally. She falls back into the house and tells Blair and Micki to run. Jim and Yuri eventually find each other and grapple over a waterfall, Sherlock-Holmes-like. In continuing Vendetta parallels Jim ends up holding Yuri dangling over the rushing river. He asks why Jim doesn't let him drop and Jim goody-goodys, "You're going to stand trial!" Instead, though, Yuri is shot by a Fed sniper. Jim is displeased.
Paramedics, cops, feds, Jim and Blair standing around, etc. Vaslova is wheeled away on a gurney. She and Micki agree that they were wrong about each other. She tells Jim and Blair, "If you are ever in Moscow, I know many good restaurants. There is one I like especially... Burger King?" Ugh. I hate this fucking culture. Micki apologizes for lying to her "guardian angels." Simon thinks Yuri couldn't have survived the shot and fall into the waterfall, but Jim, who has a better understanding of this show's physics, isn't so sure. Duh-duh-duh!! shot of waterfall.
Would have liked to see: Less ignorant neo-Cold War propoganda and MORE FEELINGS, DAMMIT.
Non J/B Pairing of the Week: Micki and Vaslova have kind of a Valjean/Javert or possibly Krycek/Mulder thing going.
Sideburn Update: Blair wears his hair down for most of the episode, so it's hard to say for sure, but they appear to be normal. At any rate, they're much subdued from last week.
Sideburn Alert Level: Amber
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3x10 Dead Certain
A dead man falls on a woman's car. She screams. Cut to someone taking pictures at the crime scene. Henri leads Jim and Blair to the body, saying "I hope Sandburg didn't just eat." Jim stands up for him, saying "He knows the drill, H." Blair looks queasy as he sees the body, and Jim soothes, "Breathe deep. Breathe slow. You'll get used to it." Instead, Blair walks away as the new forensics chief, Cassie Wells, approaches. She's bubbly and enthusiastic, and explains her theory that this was a murder. Jim pokes holes in it (why didn't the workmen on the bridge see the body being thrown?) and Blair pipes up to defend it (maybe they were on break). "Your theory has all the pieces, but it doesn't make sense," says Jim. Kind of like every episode of this show. As they walk off, Jim teases "The workmen were on break, huh? How could she resist that?", smiling indulgently and apparently with his arm around Blair.
Almost as good a line as "I don't have a tent."
Station. Medical examiner Dan Wolfe is showing the autopsied body to Cassie, Jim and Blair. Dan reminds Blair of the time he passed out. "I was new back then," says Blair uncertainly, swinging on his heels. "I'm thinking that maybe I can handle it now." As Dan shows and describes the major trauma to the body, Blair leaves the room. Dan thinks the body suffered more damage than a fall from a bridge could account for.
In front of the elevator, Jim tries to diplomatically tell Cassie to stop overstepping her bounds--she's a forensics chief, not a detective. She argues that she thought this job was about SOLVING CRIMES, not EGOS. I'm gonna say it right now, I like Cassie. Unlike most of the women on this show, she's neither a victim nor a villain; and unlike the female officer-types Jim usually clashes with, she's not a mean, corrupt, or mean and corrupt. I mean, for real: a woman who's personable and competent. That never happens. At the same time, I see how Jim, without my feminist characterization issues, would find her annoying, because she is awfully perky and she doesn't do what he expects or fit neatly into her forensics pigeonhole.
In Simon's office, Jim complains about Cassie. Simon tells him to give her a chance, since she's new and supposedly good. Blair says "She's smart, she's aggressive, she knows what she wants. Personally, I kind of like her." Heh. Blair is me. Jim tells Blair to back off, calling him "D'artagnan" and saying he's dated enough women in the department. Blair makes a "blah blah blah" gesture.
Blah blah blah.
Cassie enters to show them a computer program she's "beta-testing" which extrapolates the appearance of a person's face from the measurements of their skull. Oh, sure, she just threw that together in her spare time. Blair's impressed: "I've seen computer modeling used to reconstruct early hominids based on skull fragments, but man, never with this level of sophistication!" Simon tells Jim and Blair to bring Dan the picture. Because an image based on a program in beta is totally admissible evidence in a murder investigation. Here at Cascade PD, our motto is "Good Enough!"
Dan's office is empty, but Jim hears something. He opens one of the drawers in the morgue and finds Dan with duct tape over his mouth. Classic. Jim ungags him and he says some people came and took the John Doe's body and the fingerprints Dan had made of it. Jim and Blair run out and find two men running away. As a distraction, one of them detonates a bomb in a station wagon. Jim turns to protect Blair and when he looks back, they're gone.
Must protect the pretty!
Jim, Blair and Simon walk to Simon's office. Simon says someone's going to a lot of trouble to protect John Doe's identity, and Blair thinks it's because his ID will lead them to the killers. Simon: "You know, there are times when the kid actually sounds like a cop." Jim and Blair both shake their heads and grumble identically. As they leave to restart their investigation from square 1, Simon tells them to be careful: "I don't think they'd hesitate to kill a cop"--Blair looks at Jim--"or an anthropologist." Blair continues to look at Jim.
I'm still stuck on that "cop" part.
At the bridge, Jim pulls a Holmes-talking-to-Watson what-do-you-observe you're-looking-but-you're-not-seeing with Blair, then zooms in on something in a tree a quarter mile away. He makes Blair climb the tree because that is his job (cf. Switchman). Blair finds the object, a man's jacket matching John Doe's pants (Blair must be kind of a clotheshorse to be able to say that definitively), and throws it to Jim, who searches the pockets while Blair climbs down. Once Blair confirms he's okay, Jim shows him the French passport he found IDing the man as Jean Duval (for all you non-French speakers out there, that roughly translates to "John Doe").
Simon's office. Jim and Blair present their theory that Jean Duval fell out of an airplane. They seem to have worked it out pretty thoroughly together. Simon tells them Cassie found soil samples on the dead man's shoe from the Watumsa Basin. Blair corrects his pronunciation and says he spent time their studying some Indians. Of course he did, because he's Blair. "The breadth of your knowledge never ceases to amaze me," says Simon testily. Heh. Simon is me. Jim: "Time for a road trip, Chief."
Pinecrest, a small town in the Watumsa basin. Blair says not much has changed since he was last there, and jokingly describes the sherriff as a fat guy who "looked like an extra from Deliverance." They're greeted by... a pretty woman!!! Score one for the "Blair was never actually there" theory. Sherriff McNeil says someone from the Cascade PD is already there, and out comes Cassie Wells.
Outside, Jim chews out Cassie for overstepping her bounds to confer with local law enforcement. When she walks off, Blair's all, "She was just trying to help." Jim goes back to talk to her, asking why she didn't go the Academy if she wants to be a detective so badly. She wheezes that she tried and pulls out her inhaler. As Jim is apologizing, he sees one of the men from the station wagon explosion and runs after him. They end up in hand-to-hand combat, struggling for possession of Jim's gun, and the guy ends up getting impaled on a shovel.
Sherriff McNeil takes Jim and Cassie to the coroner's office (Blair elects to stay behind). The amiable county doc agrees with Jim that the dead guy had extensive plastic surgery. Cassie impresses the sheriff by taking pictures with a Digital Camera (It Doesn't Use Any Film!) Oh, 1998. Jim feels a tattoo removal scar with his bare fingers and is able to sense that it is a particular prison gang tattoo, confusing Cassie. After they leave, Doc Morrow has a sinister conversation with a bad guy.
Cassie shows Jim and Blair her shagwagon full of forensic equipment. Simon calls to inform Jim that Jean Duval was an Interpol agent trailing a French terrorist. On her computer, Cassie backwards-reconstructs the dead guy's face to see how it looked before plastic surgery, and offers to "modem" it to local prisons. Jim is impressed and agrees to let her continue to stay and help as long as she doesn't get in the way.
Jim sees a plane and asks a local woman about it, who informs him about Bob Leland's crop-dusting service. Jim and Blair head out to Bob Leland's where Blair is impressed with the tiny prop planes: "That's when flying was flying. Wind in your hair, heart in your throat..." "Bugs in your teeth," Jim Negative Nancys. Heh. Jim is me. Bob Leland comes out and Jim pretends to be looking for discreet plane service to Cascade. Suspicious, Leland turns him down and goes inside. Blair notes to Jim that the runway is awfully long for these planes. Jim sees tracks from a larger craft.
Cassie's Mystery Machine. Jim asks her to research Leland. She has meanwhile found out that the plastic surgery stiff did time for stealing foreigners' kidneys to sell on the black market. Blair remembers reading about that (probably on snopes.com). Jim asks her to call up the records on other people involved in the scheme, and they find one with a picture of the good county doctor.
Sherriff McNeil doesn't want to believe ill of Dr Morrow. She shows them the doc's fingerprints, and they don't match the prison record. Jim decides that he and Blair will talk to Morrow again, and Cassie volunteers to go check out Leland's airfield. Jim tells her to go home: "I got a funny feeling about this place and if something gets weird around here, I don't want you to get hurt." He should have said "...I want them to know what we were up to" or something. She'd have probably gone to save their skins, but he should know she won't go to save her own. She says she has a .357 and she can shoot better than most of the SFPD cops. Jim: "Cassie, our agreement was if you got in the way you would head home, and I think it's time you head home." Cassie looks to Blair, who looks like a guy watching two people argue always looks, and then stalks off.
Alone with Jim, Blair opines that he was being harsh: "I understand you're trying to protect your territorial imperative here, but come on." Jim says he's trying to protect her. How can Jim send someone away from an investigation for not being a cop and then turn to Blair all Follow me to DANGER, my little doctoral candidate!? I guarantee Cassie would kick Blair's ass in a sharpshooting match and possibly in general. It's funny that nobody brings this up, ever. Blair kind of looks like he might, a couple of times, but it's probably best for him that he doesn't.
Sherriff McNeil confronts Dr. Morrow. He admits to paying off her deputies to switch the fingerprints. She holds a gun on him and declares she'll arrest him; he says "I may have lied about who I was, but I never lied about my feelings for you," and shoots her from behind a folder.
Jim and Blair are in the parking lot when Jim smells blood. Blair pops the trunk on the police car and they find the sherriff's body in the trunk. As they're leaning over it, the deputies drive up and arrest them.
Cassie investigates the airfield. In the barn, she finds an operating table.
Jim and Blair share a cell. This is like a dream come true for me.
And you were there! And you were there!
Cassie witnesses the arrival of the French terrorist that was mentioned earlier. Dr. Morrow gives him some fake documents and promises to make him over into a new man. Cassie finds herself staring down the barrel of a gun.
Jim watches the deputy on guard listen to music while Blair sits on the cell cot. Jim asks for Blair's glasses and then proceeds to unscrew one of the arms while Blair hisses "Hey! Those cost $150!" Oh, 1998. Jim uses the glasses to pick the lock, somehow, and then as the deputy turns to see him emerge from his cell, Jim punches him out. This can't be legal.
Cassie gets Dr. Morrow to speechify on his master plan. He explains some of the plot loose ends which I don't care about.
Blair's on the phone with Simon, in case we had any lingering doubts about Jim and Blair being renegades. I guess it's okay to break out of jail and punch out officers if they are working for evil plastic surgeons. Jim tells Simon to send backup. A call comes on the office phone from one of Morrow's redshirts, wanting the deputies to bring Jim and Blair to the airfield. Posing as a deputy, Jim agrees.
Jim and Blair hide in a prop plane and then attack the bad guys in a cloud of pesticide. Morrow and some others try to escape in a plane with Cassie. Backup arrives; Jim tells Blair to stay put and grabs a ride with a police chopper, from which he jumps onto the escaping plane. Nice. Jim messes with the tailfin to make the plane run in circles while inside the cabin, Cassie sprays her inhaler into Morrow's face and grabs his gun. She gets him to land the plane. She cements her role as action hero by making a terrible quip about frequent flier miles as Jim arrests Morrow.
In his office, Simon is excited about having recovered Morrow's patient files, which will lead them to important arrests. Jim doesn't care: he has a date. "That's great, man, me too," says Blair, shaking his hand or giving him five or something below frame.
Restaurant. Jim asks for reservations in the name of Wells. He's led to a table where someone sits holding a giant menu... Blair! "What are you doing here?" "What are YOU doing here?" Didn't they notice each other dressing up in the same apartment and then driving to the same place? Cassie arrives. Apparently they both asked her out, so she arranged this. She says, "I think you're both great. You're both smart and funny", camera on Jim, "and good-looking," camera on Blair. "But I have this rule that I don't date anyone I work with under any circumstances." The boys are all "whoa, hey," in unison, denying that this was a date. Cassie says she's relieved because they're too competitive for it ever to work out with either one of them. Jim and Blair deny that they are competitive, because they aren't. I don't think I've ever seen them compete for anything. I was afraid they'd make them competitive after that just to make the joke, but instead, when Cassie is momentarily called away for a page, Jim and Blair conspire together:
JIM: You know Chief, I think the only way to show her we aren't competitive is to not fight and have her pay the check.
BLAIR: I am down with that, my friend. I am down with that.
[High five or fist-five or something, semi-off-camera]
BLAIR: I wonder if the lobster's fresh.
JIM: Have two.
Fade out on Jim and Blair smiling in their little suits at their little table with a romantic candle.
Just like every Friday night.
Best moments: Not many specifically, poignantly gay moments outside of that last, but Jim and Blair were together through the whole thing, investigating and joking and shining in each other's company, and I've mentioned how I actually liked the semi-love-interest of the week. All in all a solid episode.
Sideburn update: Once they reach Pinecrest and Blair's hair is pulled back, you can see his sideburns end in worryingly pointy nubs. Just when you thought they were dead...
They're baaaack!
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3x11 Breaking Ground
At a construction site, a boy with orange glasses drowns another boy in a pool of mud.Jim is watching the news with the volume turned way down when Blair looks up from his book (wow, Blair actually doing schoolwork. This is a first.) and sees one of his professors, Emily Watson, on TV (ah, it's a university-themed episode--that explains it.)
BLAIR: Hey, turn this up.
JIM: Why?
BLAIR: Why? Because I can't hear it. There's some definite drawbacks to living with you.
Ha. Jim is such a jackass. "Why?"
Extra, extra! Blair cracks book!
Anyway, the newscast is about the death of Martin Gilman, one of the students working on an archaeological dig downtown. Sure. They see Cassie in the background, using her cell phone, and their phone rings. "Oh, that'd be strange," says Blair. Of course it is Cassie, and she thinks Gillman was murdered.
At the site, Dr. Watson (hee) argues with Mark Cantor, the guy who wants to develop the land the dig is on. He wants to shut down the dig. Blair introduces "my friend, Jim" to the professor, and she lets them go into the dig site. Blair's really interested: "I've been dying to look at this place for months now... Watson invited me once, but I couldn't come cause I was working on a case." He's offhand about it, of course, but it's interesting to see a rare moment of wistfulness about the priority choices he's making lately. As embodied by Jim:
CASSIE EXPOSITION: When they were digging the foundations for the new building, they discovered Cascade's old waterfront.
JIM: Yeah, so?
BLAIR (annoyed): So, it has historical value.
Gillman appears to have died in an accidental cave-in, but Cassie's suspicious because his car was broken into--she thinks he was murdered for something he had. Jim thinks it could have been a random burglary, but Blair is more open to her ideas, "probably because I'm not a cop either," he admits, and if I were Cassie I'd be more "....heyyy!" about that. Blair asks Cassie out to lunch, she reminds him of her no-dating-coworkers rule, and he says it wouldn't be a date. I thought we were done with this.
Rainier University. Blair drops in on Dr. Watson on his way to "[his] lab." Blair ranks a lab? I bet it's covered with about six feet of dust. Blair does a sort of commiserate/question thing that feeling people can pull off, and finds out that Cantor forced Watson to include Gillman on her team.
Cassie has the medical examiner's report for Gillman: he drowned. He had cement in his lungs, and Cassie theorizes that he was killed at Cantor's construction site. Jim thinks her theory sounds plausible; "we just have to prove it."
CASSIE: Great. When do we start?
JIM: We're not starting anything. I meant me and Sandburg.
HA. Ha ha ha. Why does Cassie never call them on the Blair-not-a-cop thing? Blair shows up and Cassie gives him a murderous look. Blair is like, huh? and Jim is like, Mwahaha, my plan is complete.
Night. Jim and Blair talk to Cantor briefly (he says he's shutting down Watson's dig, to Blair's dismay), then examine the construction site. Jim sees glowy footprints. Blair's hypothesis is that "maybe the moonlight's working on your senses, sort of like a blacklight effect." Blair is so making this shit up as he goes along. Suddenly Jim hears something, and shouts "SANDBURG!" just as the ground beneath Blair collapses! "SANDBURG! SANDBURG!" Jim shouts, running to peer down the hole. Man, he looks like he's about to cry.
"SANDBURG!"
Now that they're in a secret room, Blair wants to look around. They find some cast-iron doors with writing in a language Blair doesn't recognize. He starts to take a rubbing to take to Watson, figuring this discovery could help the dig stay open, and then winces in pain. Jim asks him again if he's all right and he says yes. This foreshadowing that Blair is not actually okay will come to nothing, you guys, he's fine. DO NOT WORRY.
Morning at the loft. Jim comes down in his bathrobe as Blair pores over books. He tells Jim he's been up all night, trying unsuccessfully to decipher the writing from the doors, and trying unsuccessfully to call Emily. As Jim makes him coffee, Blair explains that the writing is probably some kind of 19th century code.
Blair liked the first book so much, he went on to a second!
Knock at the door. Cassie. She's come to help Blair crack his code with her computer. She can't stop staring at Jim. Did she not know they lived together or something? But she doesn't seem that surprised. Maybe she just didn't realize it was that kind of living together. Or maybe she's just animal-magnetized to Jim in his sexy gray terry-cloth housecoat. Jim heads upstairs, presumably to put on clothes, as Cassie settles in, drinks out of Blair's coffee cup, and proclaims the code "very cool." Blair wearily says it's "very, very frustrating."
NOOO! NOT THE COFFEE JIM MADE HIM! /weeps
Station. Jim's there even though it's his day off. Blair and Cassie enter with books. Jim passive-aggressively badgers Cassie into letting him look at Gillman's car, then asks Blair "Enjoying your day, Chief?" which is kind of odd since it isn't Blair's day off. Blair is enjoying his day, because he and Cassie figured out that the secret room was part of an old Masonic lodge and the code they're trying to decipher is connected with the Illuminati. Because it wouldn't be great television without an Illuminati episode. Cassie's waiting for her friend to send her a code-breaking computer program in the mail. She goes to check for it, and Blair proclaims to Jim that she is "pretty great." Jim gets a call and tells Blair to come on.
Emily Watson is dead on the floor of her office. Blair is clearly disturbed and Simon asks if he's okay. "Yeah," he mutters. "I can't just leave. She was a friend." "Nobody's asking you to do that, Chief," says Jim gently. It looks like she was giving herself insulin and had a reaction. For once, Cassie buys the simple explanation, and Jim thinks it was murder. Cassie bitches at him not letting the "other team kick a field goal," whatever that means, and Blair flips out: "There's somebody dead here! This isn't some sporting event, all right?" Jim puts a hand on Blair's shoulder and pats him on the back as he turns away, saying he's going to his lab. Cassie starts to say she's sorry, and Jim gives her "drop it" motion.
Jim takes a closer look at the body, and sees a second needle injection over the first. He confuses Cassie by leaving the room ("The evidence is all right here! Where is he going?!") Outside in a vent, he finds a second hypodermic needle.
Forensics. Jim says he just got lucky. Cassie says it's nice working with him. She goes to do fingerprints and we fall into an interminable "Jim checks the car" montage. Usually he finds whatever he's looking for instantly, so as we see him start over and over, I'm sure he's not going to find anything, but eventually he figures out that the glove box has a secret compartment containing a weird-shaped gold bar with secret writing on it and a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
Cassie examines the gold through a microscope. It's worth a few thousand, but not worth killing over. She says the disk is encrypted and will only work on the computer that made it. Right. Blair thinks the gold looks like a puzzle piece.
That night, Cassie is working on the computer when Blair comes in. She has her computer program all set up to crack the code. She explains, "It's based on the alphabetical system so whatever you feed into it automatically translates." I silently scream. Blair takes out Chinese food. He assures her it's a working dinner. Simon comes by, asks Blair where Jim is (Blair: "I don't know. Maybe a date"), and tells him to tell him that the warrant for Gillman's apartment came through. Then he does kind of a hilarious double-take and calls Blair out into the hall to tell him "if there's anything going on here" to "keep it off the premises." Blair's heard this speech before.
The program cracks the code from the door: "Beware! There is no escaping the maze of the sacred chamber." Sigh. The puzzle piece looks to have directions on it. Cassie thinks the info from the other pieces might be on Gillman's diskette. Since they have the warrant, she's psyched to go to Gillman's apartment and use his computer. Blair's all, I don't know about this Tommy, but goes with her.
On the phone, Blair parks his car in front of Gillman's. He's trying Jim for the fourth time. This time, Jim picks up ("Where you been, man?" "I took a friend to dinner." Aw, Jim is so discreet.) Blair explains the situation and Jim asks him to put Cassie on. He tells her very sternly to wait until he gets there to go in. Cassie decides to go inside anyway. Blair: "You're putting me in a weird spot! I'm Jim's partner!" Cassie says she works alone and goes inside. See, this is Cassie's problem. She doesn't have a partner! She's all out of balance! She needs to team up with Dan Wolfe or something. Actually, that would be great. A forensics chief and a medical examiner! Jim would be leading Blair on wild goose chases all over Washington, and they'd just sit and solve all the crimes without ever leaving the police department.
Anyway, Blair decides to stay put as Jim asked, and says in hilarious Ted Raimi-esque voice, "Well... good! Cause I'm gonna stay here!" Oh Blair.
"Well... good!"
Except if, as happens here, your choice to do the safe thing ironically gets you abducted by the evil orange glasses guy from the beginning, who can see you playing with the code-cracking program from outside because of its unnecessarily huge GUI. Then, of course, you'll get Victim Points. Jim loves a nice rescue!
So, Jim arrives at the apartment and finds Cassie and asks "Where's Sandburg?" She thinks he went for coffee and tells some lengthy story about some old Mason and some golden keys fantastic treasure secret maze blah blah. "Where's Sandburg?" Jim asks again, and they go to the car. Cassie's computer's gone and she thinks Blair left the door open and it got stolen. Jim knows better. He has a "hunch" that Blair was kidnapped and taken to the construction/maze site. Well, okay, the construction site is a logical place to assume Blair is, because that's where all of this brouhaha centers, and if they're going to make a play for the treasure in the maze they'll have to go there. And it's logical to assume that Blair has been kidnapped because that is ALWAYS TRUE.
Orange Glasses Guy and Cantor try to get Blair to decipher the rest of the puzzle pieces. He stalls. Orange Glasses Guy is armed and threatening, and starts to be mean to Cantor, too. They get to the maze, and OGG makes Blair go in first and lead the way. It's a really dark scene and my AVI of it is basically frame after frame of solid black. They get near the site where the treasure's supposed to be, but it's blocked. OGG tells Blair and Cantor to dig. Blair refuses on the grounds that the whole place could collapse, and OGG is about to shoot him when Jim appears and shoots the gun out of his hand. Blair doesn't even look surprised. He asks Blair if he's all right, and Blair says he is (HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I WRITTEN THAT SENTENCE).
Jim hears the telltale sounds of the place beginning to collapse, and he herds everyone back into the maze. He even tries to pull OGG out, but he insists on running back for the treasure and gets buried in rubble for this trouble. Jim rushes Blair and Cantor through the maze (a feat they will later explain to Cassie with "a good sense of direction" and "luck"; presumably, Jim used his actual senses in some way, but we don't see it). They escape just as the entire site collapses.
Station. Simon says the treasure's lost because it wouldn't cost effective to dig it out. Blair seems put out. Simon commends Wells, then gives Blair "two words of advice: DON'T FRATERNIZE." Barn door, Simon. Jim knits his brow as Cassie thanks him for giving her credit on the case. "You deserved it," he says, looking at Blair. Ten minute awkward pause. Jim: "I think it's time we had a little talk." He adds "I think we all know what's going on here," and opines that they need to set "ground rules." Okay, no eye contact and no kissing above the neck. Blair, you can do whatever you want.
JIM: I think we should-- decide to be just friends. All of us. And stick to it.
CASSIE: You think you guys can handle that?
Jim and Blair's cute little look-at-each-other-and-shrug reaction confirms that they so, so can't. Cassie says "All right, uh-huh," and saunters off in the elevator. "I think we should just be friends," Blair mimics Jim.
JIM: You want some of this?
BLAIR: Yeah. Hey.
JIM: Bring it on!
Then they bump chests. It's really, really gay.
What the hell is this?
Best Moments: Visceral Jim angst when Blair falls into a hole. Good character moments for Blair, including a bit of a clashing-of-worlds with his academic and police lives, particularly exemplified when he freaks out at the scene of Dr Watson's murder. Also, he wears his glasses a lot.
Pret-ty.
I'm not sure how to feel about that threesome-tensiony tag there. It seems to have at once several and zero layers of meaning.