Demon Under Glass
Recap by ZelempaBSOs: Garett Maggart, Jason Carter
Gayness Level: Subtext
Respectability: -1 Lovability: 1/2
I started recapping The Sentinel, a bad television show, with the idea that if I wrote down the elements of interest--basic plots, character info, and slashy moments--I wouldn't have to sit through the episodes again. Since beginning the project, of course, I have watched a number of the episodes more than once, and even broke down and praised the show in the final recap. "I watch The Sentinel so you don't have to," I proclaim, but if you ask, I'll list of all the episodes I think you should watch.
Demon Under Glass is not like that. This is a movie that makes The Sentinel--even a really bad episode like the one where skinheads are blowing up churches for free bricks or the one where they wander around in the dark with the Harlem Globetrotters--look like Citizen Kane written by Dorothy Parker. I really did watch Demon Under Glass so you don't have to. Seriously. Don't do it to yourself.
Now, you might be saying to yourself, "But Zelempa, I don't think you understand how much I love Blair Sandburg from The Sentinel. I would watch anything with Garett Maggart. And Jason Carter! He was Marcus Cole on Babylon 5! Don't you love Marcus?" I do, gentle reader. I do love Marcus, and boy, do I love Blair. I too believed that between them I could deal with anything. Once...
Be aware that throughout the recap I will persist in referring to Jason Carter's character as "Marcus", although that is not his name. Garett Maggart, I succumb and refer to by the first name of his character, which is Joe, because it would confuse me too much to refer to him as "Blair" or by the official name of his character, which is, I kid you not, Dr. McKay.
Onto the movie. The first thing you'll notice when you hit "play" is that it's filmed with what appears to be a home video camera.* That said, the performances aren't that bad. I mean, yeah, our assorted sci-fi D-list celebs and friends aren't going to win any Oscars anytime soon, but they're perfectly serviceable; or maybe they only look that way because, from the production values, you keep expecting them to be much worse than they are. That said, Jason Carter is pretty bad.
* I read somewhere that this is actually a higher framerate than movie quality, but we think it looks crappy only because we associate it with amateur home videos. So possibly the video quality is actually good? But if you're making a movie which seems to be shot entirely in somebody's basement, maybe you should not choose a quality that we associate with amateur home videos.
I: THE DEMON CONTAINED!!!!!1
We open with a title card explaining that there's a serial killer on the loose nicknamed "Vlad" because he drains his victims. Dracula movie, check. A team of surveillance guys in a van are watching a prostitute pick up a john. We don't see the prostitute's face at first, just hear her voice which, while feminine, is kind of nasal, and I hope to God this is Garett even thought it is clearly not. The nose is all wrong, for one. Too masculine. She takes the john up to a room, asking him if he's a cop because savvy prostitutes avoid entrapment, then, when they get to the room, she ARRESTS HIM! What a twist! It is she, a woman, who is the cop. (FYI, for future reference, everyone, if a prostitute ever asks "Are you a cop?" the correct answer is "No. Are you?") Some more law enforcement types pop out of the woodwork and ask the john if he is Vlad. (FYI, everyone, the correct answer is: "No. Are you?") The john is weak and gibbering and they figure he is just a regular guy.
Back on the street, Ladycop is giving it another shot when a suave car drives up. It's Marcus driving, and he sweetly asks her if she's not cold standing outside. She explains she's "just waiting for the right man," and he charm-oozes, "I'm sorry I took so long." As she gets into the car, he surreptitiously looks in the sideview mirror and licks his fangs.
It is totally hilarious.
Marcus and Ladycop head up to the same hotel room, where Marcus pounces on Ladycop, kissing her. Ladycop retrieves her "protection," which turns out of course to be her gun. Her backups pop out and lunge for Marcus, but he throws them off, yanks the door off its hinges, turns up his collars stylishly, and escapes into the night! This is also totally hilarious.
Brief chase with Marcus on foot and a helicopter spotlighting him from above. Marcus runs headlong into a fence, because he's a dumb galoot. One of the surveillance guys comes running up, crying, "No!" I guess he's from the Society for Protection of Vampires from Evil Fences. He runs over to Marcus and puts his hands on his face, all concerned-like, "Can you hear me?" It's pretty gay until Marcus starts strangling him. Actually, that's also gay, what with the straddling. A bunch of guys with big crosses on their chests-- anti-vampire SWAT, apparently-- run up and capture Marcus.
The oddly still-living surveillance guy thanks the cops for their help, but breaks it to them that the case is officially out of their hands. They're upset as all cops on TV always are in such situations. Ladycop takes off her wig to reveal short dark hair. She's actually--still a woman! But with short hair!
At a hospital, we meet some old guys. Okay, so forget what I said about good(ish) acting before; the head honcho guy's acting is straight out of a school play. His friend in the white labcoat is one of those ubiquitous older sci-fi actors who's always playing a high priest on Buffy and Xena and stuff. (He'll be known hereafter as "Tal" because according to IMDB, he was Subcommander Tal on ST:TOS.) They've made a capture, Honcho informs Tal, but Dr. Hirsch, the project leader, is dead. They decide to grant a quick promotion to one of the other doctors in this here military hospital that we sure are in right now.
Sometimes I think plastic surgery is very, very complicated.
Okay, now we get Blair. I mean Garett. I mean Joe, walking down a hallway in labcoat. His hair is short, which is a crime against nature, but it's still sort of cutely curly and wild, he's still got sizeable sideburns. We get an unnecessarily lengthy scene of him checking up on a surly patient who, incredibly, resists his good-humored charisma. He is Trapper Blair, M.D., the Friendliest Sweetheart of a Doctor You Ever Did See! He's so doomed.
Hey Blair--yeah, you! Remember when you were on The Sentinel and they knew how to light you?
Another doc calls him up to the research floor, and he mutters, exasperated, "Oh, god. What are they doing up there?" I don't know if I've ever thought of Garett Maggart as like, a good actor, in the way I've had such thoughts about Patrick Stewart or David Hewlett or that dog that plays Wishbone, but he's so easy and natural compared to his stiff scenemate here. They really ought to have picked someone worse for this movie so as not to invite negative comparison.
Jason Carter was a pretty good choice though.
On the top-secret top floor Joe meets School Play Honcho and Subcommander Tal. Every time they say "Dr. McKay" I giggle a little. I will not get used to this, ever. They need him to treat an "unusual" patient. "His flying saucer crash?" jokes Joe, and Subcommander Tal says, "Nothing so mundane." I'm kind of starting to dig the goth dialogue. Vampire SWAT guys wheel past a big silver casket from which (hilarious) thumps are emanating.
On a featureless black plane, the three doctors watch through a one-way mirror into the super-secure-totally-look-we-boringly-showed-all-these-security-measures room where the SWAT guys are installing Marcus's casket. Subcommander Tal tells Joe that inside is a "creature of pure [mumble]" (malevolence? evil? metal? I don't want to disparage Tal here as he's one of the two to three actors capable of conveying relatively subtle emotion, but he doesn't always enunciate.) Joe guesses "Lawn gnome?" Humor! Tal shoots him a dirty look: "Vampire." Joe's incredulous. Tal: "Do you know any human being that can be repeatedly shot, clubbed, shoved into a box, and still have the strength to resist?"
Well, Blair does, yeah.
Tal warns Marcus-in-a-box over the PA that they could expose his room to sunlight at any time. All shots of Tal are framed with what I guess I could describe a refreshing artlessness, with the corner of Joe's lab coat sort of hovering at the edge of frame at all times. Tal turns to Joe and assures him that, even though Dr. Hirsch died treating the vampire's wounds, he's sure Joe will be fiiiiine. Joe's like, uh. Hm. About that. Honcho reminds him about all his medical school debts. I'd rather be in debt and alive, myself, but Joe--eventually--agrees to do the job. OH GOD JUST SAY YES SO THEY CAN OPEN THE GODDAMN BOX.
It turns out they can't open the goddamn box yet! They have to wait until daylight so they can open the sun shield if necessary. URGGGH. Joe's inexplicably against the wait, even though he seemd pretty in fear of his life earlier. Maybe he's just contrary. Or maybe he's as bored as I am. To fill time, Joe makes awkward small talk with a nurse. This isn't even a movie.
Joe gets the only marginally clever lines. My bar here is set pretty low. For example, I'm counting him asking, "Is it day enough yet?" It is, thankfully, and we're finally opening the goddamn box. Joe gets a wincing reaction shot that would probably have been more effective had they not chosen to precede it with a slow pan across of him standing there waiting for the director to say "And, react!"
In the box, Marcus is unconscious, his restraints bloody. One Army guy cuts his clothes off with office scissors, and another takes his wallet and reads out the contents to the observers on the other side of the mirror. The vampire is a member of Blockbuster. Joe and the nurse enter the chamber, and Joe persists in repeatedly asking Marcus questions even though he is clearly unconscious. I have to hand it to Garett, he at least seems to want something to happen in this movie. He's foiled at every turn, but at least he tries.
An excruciatingly long examination of the unconscious vampire follows.
After every other part of him has been examined, Joe lifts Marcus to look at the bullet wounds on his back, and finally, finally, Marcus's eyes open. Immediately he gets this ridiculous, shifty-eyed, gritted-teeth, and yes hilarious expression.
Yiiiooiiikes!
Joe has to perform surgery to get the bullets out of Marcus's back, and he's upset that they won't let him use a general anaesthetic (or, as he calls it, "some anaesthesia".) I think what bothers me most about this movie is that every scene is just one long, unbroken, pause-filled take. The actors don't seem to notice anything amiss; they just keep going on as if this is a real movie. Maybe they don't realize? Is this what movies would be like if postproduction didn't exist? I mean, you don't realize how much you know about filmmaking work until your expectations are violated. For example, here's how this scene might play in a normal movie:
(angrily)
How 'bout a course of leeches?
(Cut to: Dr. Whatsisface's stern, wordless reaction)
JOE
(sighing resignedly)
Okay, all right, let's just... we're gonna get the X-rays, we're gonna prep him for surgery.
Here's how it actually played out:
(angrily)
How 'bout a course of leeches?
(Weirdly-timed pause. Camera does not move. Joe fidgets.)
JOE
(continued)
Okay, all right, let's just... we're gonna get the X-rays, we're gonna prep him for surgery.
After divesting Marcus's back of several bullets and a musket ball (humor? character development?? I don't even know anymore), Joe does his best to insist on proper vampire post-op, like fresh bedding for the casket. "And let's get this man a gown," he says, after which there is a seriously long pause and I wonder what the nurse was supposed to do in response because I'm guessing it is not just to stand motionless. "Just get him a gown," Joe concludes after a time, apropos of nothing. This may be the most poignant example of Garett's valiant attempts to make this movie work, with exactly zero cooperation from anybody else in production. Then again, it may not.
A fleeting sort of nice moment: before they close the casket, Joe looks down at Marcus and says, "You get some rest. I'll see you in the morning," and affectionately pats his shoulder (presumably. It's slightly off screen.)
Oh, I hope this turns into a homoerotic doctor/vampire buddy movie.
Later, Tal and Joe sit in the breakroom playing with tiny empty styrofoam cups and discussing the nature of life in a series of nonsequiturs. Joe is still vaguely surly at seeing his patient inhumanly treated. Tal tells Joe to be a "positive influence." On who, the vampire? Ooh, maybe it will turn into an afterschool special.
II: THE DEMON UNLEASHED!!!!!! (He's kind of pleasant, actually.)
Next day. Why do they keep hurling Marcus out of the casket and then strapping him onto a nearby gurney instead of wheeling the gurney into the box, or--oh, whatever. Marcus is awake now, but still not speaking. Joe shows him his tiny caduceus necklace and says he's here to help. "Like Marcus Welby," says Marcus in an amusingly normal voice. Okay, I looked it up and that's apparently a reference to a medical show from the '70s, so I guess that's kind of funny. I think they just put it in so he could say "Marcus."
Joe begins his examination, and he and Marcus converse pleasantly, by which I mean they chat boringly but not so awkwardly and charmlessly that I want to stab my eyeballs. Removing the bandages, Joe finds the bullet wounds are completely healed, as if they were never there. VAMPIRE! Oh wait, we knew that.
In a weird moment, Joe pointedly declines to give Marcus a prostate exam, and Marcus says "Thank you." Oh, wait, he means for removing the musket ball: "It's been bothering me for some time." Humor?? (Maybe?)
Joe asks if he's hungry, and Marcus says, conversationally, "I require fresh blood." Awkward!
At Dr. Hirsch's funeral--i.e. a wide shot of a bunch of the director's friends standing around in a cemetery--Tal tells Honcho how well Dr. McKay is working out.
And, indeed, we see flashes of Blairness at a meeting the next day in the breakroom; Joe is all cutely excited about the various biological weirdnesses of the vampire.
More tests. I like to occasionally imagine what the director was doing behind the scenes. For example, I have to assume that in this scene of Joe running a cotton swab inside Marcus's mouth for a saliva sample, he was standing there saying "Keeeep swabbing... keeeeeep swaaaaabbing..."
Joe is called into the featureless black control room, where Tal tells him that they are close to identifying the virus that causes vampirism. Joe's distracted: he waves his hand, and sees Marcus following it with his eyes. Tal scoffs at the idea that Marcus can see through the one-way glass. Because THAT is the vampire power that trips his bullshit meter. "Next you'll tell us he can hear us," says Tal, and Marcus just smiles.
Bam! Holy grail time!
Next, everybody watches the vampire pee blood. It's wholesome family viewing!
In the hematology lab, Tal tells Joe that they're going to start sunlight exposure tests--they have to find out if they can safely work on Marcus during indirect sunlight, or if sunlight will even hurt him at all, which they might have wanted to know before they started all this. Joe's pissed because that's torture, but there's nothing he can do because he's as morally ineffectual as Dr. Beckett, so we watch him walk slowly out of the room for awhile.
Joe tells Marcus vaguely that they're running some tests. "Will it hurt?" asks Marcus pathetically. Joe evades, "Not any more than it has to." They cover Marcus with a black cloth, all except a square of his arm, and run the light through various filters. Marcus winces and moans, and his skin boils and smokes. Blech, okay, guys, you proved your point. Joe does as he's told, unveiling the square of skin over and over. Later, Joe tenderly patches up the burns, but when he turns his back, Marcus gives a horrible look. Blair, you're so dead.
Joe yells at Tal some more for torturing his patient. This movie could have been much, much shorter.
Back in the box, Stumpy. Joe asks if Marcus prefers it open or closed, and Marcus just looks at him wordlessly. Joe leaves it open, muttering, "Sorry," before he leaves.
Okay, wait, now we're getting an establishing shot of the moon and of the closed casket. So did he leave it open or closed? The nurse walks by in a bathrobe, saying she's going to bed. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the doctors all seem to live at the compound, which I don't think is entirely explained. Tal tells an underling to test the vampire virus on different blood samples (I think?) because maybe only certain people are susceptible. Then he goes to the control room and opens the casket by remote and apologizes to Marcus. Marcus is not particularly inclined to forgive, but he's also still being quite calm about this whole thing.
I don't know whether or not I appreciate the realism in Marcus's hair being a ridiculous bed-heady mess all the time.
Hey, we get back to the cop from the beginning; I'd forgotten about her. Ladycop is the one who prompted me to make the earlier claim that the performances in this movie were not that bad. She's just so full of gravitas. That's a quality severly lacking in the rest of this (dark, cynical, goth (wannabe)) movie. Whilst bringing a prostitute back to the station, she has mental flashbacks of that time she was undercover entrapping Marcus, because lord love 'em, the filmmakers must know it's been months since I actually watched that part.
Then there's a weird bit where the prostitute stops yelling at the cop and dishes gossip about a school pageant their kids are in? I think? I don't really understand. Humor?
The cop--I guess if she's going to be important now, I'll call her by her character's name, which is Detective Taylor--talks to the father of one of Marcus's victims. He's upset that he can't get information on what's going on with the killer's investigation. Taylor goes to, I guess, an FBI guy, who went to the "These Are Real Customers - Not Actors!" school of dramatic arts, and who promises her that Vlad will "never see the light of day again." And you can bank on that. He's not just the president--he's a member.
We watch a painfully realtime scene of Joe taking a spinal fluid sample from the vampire, a procedure which, as far as I can tell, deviates from the version one might perform on a normal patient in no dramatic way whatsoever.
In the control room, Tal briefs a new, extremely nervous doctor. "Why do I have to examine the most dangerous part?" he wails. He is a--dentist!! Wah-wahhh! Aaand now we get to watch Marcus having an oral check-up for about forty minutes. Hey! Is this secretly a public service announcement about going to the doctor? The dentist tells the vampire he should brush, as "cavities aren't something you want to mess with," and Marcus, around the mirror in his mouth, (I think) agrees, "Oh, I know it."
Lord. When do the killings start?
Joe gives Marcus a present! A black T-shirt. It doesn't look new. Is it one of his? Buddy movie?
The doctors check out the dental X-rays over Chinese food. Apparently the fangs are extendable. The nurse says brightly, "Like an erection," and everyone else coughs and sputters prudishly. Ladies and gentlemen, medical professionals!
Hallway, Joe in civvies.
Did he get that leather jacket from the Sentinel wardrobe department? Did the Sentinel wardrobe department get it from Garett's closet?
Joe's on his way home (so maybe they don't live at the compound? oh I don't know) and he stops to chat with Tal, advising him to get some rest himself, suggesting gently that his "obsessive drive" to study Marcus is fueled by grief. Character development!
Later that night, Tal asks his underling to work the controls while he goes into Marcus's chamber. But doctor, there's no sun protection! Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine. Just do it. DO IT. DO SOMETHING.
It never stopped being funny watching Marcus rise from his coffin in a hospital gown, but somehow an ill-fitting black T-shirt is even funnier.
Hallo!
"I wanted to ask you about death," says Tal. This could not have waited until morning? Marcus leaps out of his coffin with an unrealistic lack of muscle fatigue (and they're usually so careful about endowing the vampire with mundane physical vulnerabilities!) He's wearing khakis. Hilarious khakis. (Joe's??) He tells his vampire origin story (blah blah Pyrenées, blah blah Hadrian, blah blah when day came the sunlight burned, yada yada).
"The man you killed, Dr. Hirsch," says Tal, and NOW we get a control room reaction shot, even though the intercom is off and the underling can't actually hear what they are saying. Marcus says he didn't know who he was, and affably apologizes for killing him.
I read somewhere that women tend to prefer reconciliatory rather than conflict-oriented resolutions to stories (which may in part explain why so many slash pairings are comprised of canonical enemies). I am here to report to you that this is NOT TRUE. BORED NOW. PLZTHX TO KILL NOW. Or, failing that, I would take a polite refusal to accept blame: "I'm sorry you're hurt, but I'm not sorry I ate your friend. I'm afraid that's just how the cookie crumbles." Is that so much to ask?
From the underling's POV, we watch the conversation conclude in (blessed) silence, and then Marcus agreeably gets back in his box and Tal leaves the chamber unmolested. WHAT. WHAT.
The underling calls Tal "brave." Tal says Marcus is braver for agreeing to help them: "It takes a lot of put behind a birdhouse in years of mistrust and superstition." Oh, maybe that was "over a thousand years."
III: THE DEMON... is really helpful. Huh.
Detective Taylor is hanging out in the poorly dressed set that is her room, poorly dressed herself in a pink silk robe. She picks up a romance novel, but keeps getting distracted, remembering the brief two seconds when she was making out with Marcus. Then she reminisces about the time she talked to that unhelpful fed, and the camera of her mind's eye zooms in on the ID badge on his desk which she totally wasn't looking at at the time.
Auugh! Ridiculous pseudo-classical synthesizer music montage of Marcus undergoing yet more routine tests. I have never been more embarrassed to be a human. We keep seeing the same tests over and over; it basically cycles between Marcus on a treadmill and Marcus doing an eye test. Okay, Demon Under Glass, I get it. Now come on, I've got places to be.
BEHOLD.... THE VAMPIRE!!!!
Detective Taylor arrives at the compound. Waiting around at the front desk, she compares the elevator display, which has sixth floor light lit, with the posted directory, which only goes up to floor five. She invests a chunk of her time and ours in knitting her brow, pondering this anomaly. Joe comes off the elevator. Taylor stops him and describes Marcus (six-one, strong build--really? I would have said more "weedy.") The camera aimlessly drifting away from his face, Joe denies having seen him. Taylor gives him her card, in case he remembers later, oh wait, that vampire.
In the breakroom (not over Chinese food, for once), Tal recaps the preposterous medical info they've gotten so far. (They don't seem to know any more than when Blair!Joe was excited about it ages ago, so I guess the most recent round of tests were just for fun.) There's some new head honcho there, now--I think it's the guy Tal was talking to at the funeral--and he's annoyed at the vaguenss of their estimates for how quickly Marcus heals himself. They couldn't narrow down the speed because they couldn't, at the time, work at night. Honcho suggests breaking his arm and trying again. Joe's moral outrage is predictable and, I think--understandably, at this point--a little phoned in. Tal pats Joe on the shoulder comfortingly and says "I'll handle this."
In the test chamber, Tal plays chess with Marcus. How symbolic. Marcus points out, reasonably enough, that their observations of him are altered by the artificial environment. Tal informs him of the regeneration experiment "they" are planning (who? does he really think he can fool Marcus into not blaming him by careful pronoun choice?) Marcus takes the news pretty well in stride: "Every discovery has its price." Can't they just, I dunno, ask him how long it takes for him to heal? He seems pretty helpful. Also, since he's clearly sentient, why doesn't anyone besides Joe have any ethical concerns? More importantly, why am I still here?
The next morning when Joe comes in to check Marcus's vitals, he leans into the box and says, "They're gonna break your arm. I'm sorry."
"I forgive you," says Marcus serenely, and promptly breaks his own arm. Okay, that was surprising.
Joe, freaked, yells for assistance. The army guy that runs up just randomly starts stabbing Marcus over and over in the chest with a knife. NOT THAT KIND OF ASSISTANCE. You maybe want to wait for a direct order on the stabbing plan? Another army guy finally pulls the stabber away, and Joe and the nurse flutter around trying to deal with the wounds, with Joe uttering the alarmingly mild exclamation, "Of all the stupid...!"
In a briefing, the stabber insists, "It's a creature of evil! Evil must be destroyed!" I would be more on his side if we had seen a single damn killing since he got there. SERIOUSLY. 1:11 HERE. IT IS NOT LIKE HE HAS NOT HAD THE CHANCE. (Don't kill Garett till the end though plzthxbai.) Tal slowly puts his hand over his face. I feel you, Tal.
La la la Joe's upset. Tal's kind of with him, this time, and says further experiments are postponed.
La la la Marcus is nearly healed. Since his clothes had to be cut off again, Joe gives him some scrubs. "Thank you, Doctor," smarms Marcus like a giant teacher's pet.
So now the father-of-the-victim who has been pestering Detective Taylor (betcha forgot about him, huh?) is accosting Joe at work. Blah blah daughter killed by Vlad so sad. To make up for drifting away from Joe while he was talking last time, the camera remains staunchly on him, even when he's just standing there nodding. Well, until he starts talking again; then he's pretty much out of shot. The dad tries to lay the guilt on poor Joe, who's just like, I... um.... I'm sorry? This is really uncomfortable.
Joe tells Tal that there must have been a breach of security if random people know they're holding Marcus, who, by the way, must be the killer Vlad. You think? I thought we had already established that. "That hasn't been proven," says Tal lamely.
"Vlad leaves his victims bloodless. [Marcus] is a vampire," Joe points out, with legitimately funny delivery. "He's a murderer!"
"He's a survivor," corrects Tal. Oh, great, now Tal is all in love with him. "Understanding [Marcus] is not the same as agreeing with what he represents."
But he's preaching to the choir, here, right? I mean, even if he didn't know about Vlad specifically, Joe had to have made the vampire-murderer connection before now. At the very least, he was flat-out told that Marcus was dangerous. And he still stood up for his rights when nobody else would. I mean, he was overridden at every turn, but still. So, basically, like Joe, this revelation has no appreciable effect on anything.
Honcho reads the Bible and talks to his wife about the nature of evil. Really? We're going into religion now? I thought the theme of this movie was the shortsightedness of scientific obsession. That's enough, I think.
Part IV: Do we get some gore now?
In a series of short moments separated by black, we see Joe and the nurse performing surgery. Although fake-looking, the close-in shots of the ripspreader at work are still really gross. The nurse screws up, nicking the heart as they try to extract it. As a second corpse is wheeled in, Joe says, "We're just going to have to keep doing this until we get it right." And we'll have to keep watching, I suppose. (Get it right, Susan, for god's sake!) In the next shot, Joe is alone, hands covered in blood, and there's no corpse on the table. Then Marcus is in the corner of the room, asking, "What's wrong?" Coming close, he answers himself, "It's the pain in your heart. I can take that away." He very romantically dips the completely unresisting Joe and bends over his neck. Hey, I'm not making this up.
All I'm going to say is that I can't state with certainty that GM doesn't have a clause in his standard contract requiring that at some point in the project he end up with another man's mouth on him.
Glug, glug, glug. This had better be a dream, you guys, Joe is the only character I can stand. Oh, but it's got to be; Marcus is wearing the late, great Black T-Shirt of Joe's Love. Joe stands, pale and fanged. The original victim (the one who has a dad) appears behind him. Next Joe's mouth drips with blood as he stands over her.
Aaaand, he snaps awake, in a bare-chested Garett shot the likes of which The Sentinel had so lamentably few.
I'm not seeing the legendary nipple ring, here, guys. I don't know what to think.
We cut over to Detective Taylor sleeping. Is that the same bed?? She rememberizes about Marcus again, her chest heaving mesmerizingly. Just bang him already.
The same goes for you, Joe.
Random shots of the empty compound. Then we see Marcus sitting alone in a chair, talking apparently to the camera. "All scientific advancement comes at a price." Is this a PSA? Is this the end? Is there going to be hotline you can call if you find yourself compelled to hold and study immortal creatures of darkness against their will, or know someone who is?
Unfortunatley not. We cut to Tal in process of picking up a prostitute. Aaaauauuuuugh creepy! He's ooold! He tells her what he really likes is to watch (auuugh), and he takes her back to the compound (auu--oh. okay, still: augh.) She takes her cash and heads intrepidly into Marcus's chamber. Tal joins his assistant in the control room. The prostitute poses in front of the mirror and lifts her dress so we can all get a nice good look at her butt. The artistry of this film will not be censored! Marcus tears off his scrubs top hilariously. Hey, fair enough; every time they've taken a shirt off him so far it's been with scissors, so I don't think he actually knows this human emotion pulling your shirt off.
Marcus comes up to the prostitute and fucks her from behind, and we--Tal, the assistant, and you and me at home--get to watch in awkward silence. (Camera remains above waist level. This isn't a porno; it's just in very poor taste.) When they're done the prostitute turns around and, in a strangely tender gesture, gives Marcus a hug. Pulling back, she sees his fangs and screams. She runs to the door and bangs on it, begging to be let out. The assistant, alarmed, tells Tal to open the door, but Tal refuses. What, he just thought this was all in the service of getting Marcus laid? And he was, like, cool with that? Marcus corners the prostitute and sinks his teeth into her neck, and the assistant takes off his glasses and buries his head in his hands in horror. Question two for the assistant: Why didn't he. You know. Open the door himself?
Next time we see the chamber it's splattered in blood. Marcus is a messy eater. Tal tells the assistant he can't tell anyone about this; he's in too deep; we have to see it through etc. The assistant nods, his face still an amusing rictus of horror. Marcus knocks on the window and says something which is incomprehensible because his fake fangs give him a serious speech impediment.
Tal and the assistant dump the prostitute's body in a ditch somewhere.
Next day, check-up. Marcus is cheery ("Prison food agrees with me") and Joe is distant. "No new clothes today?" asks Marcus. "I didn't have time to shop." Awww! That's this movie's "Do you love me?" "No."
Marcus asks, "What's wrong?" and Joe mutters, "I don't want to talk about it." Wait, I am pretty sure he does not know about the prostitute so I don't know what his--ohhhh, right, the sex dream. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Honcho issues the staff a single handgun for their protection, and orders them to destroy the subject when they're done with all the tests. Joe reacts as expected: with impotent indignation.
Joe calls Detective Taylor and arranges to meet her at Marcus's address (the Blockbuster card served a useful function!) They hang out there a little bit. There's an awful lot of windows and French doors and stuff for someone who's supposedly allergic to sunlight.
Nothing comes of this.
Tal tells Marcus he has been death sentenced. Marcus speechifies prettily that his only regret is that there are so many long-term studies the scientists would be missing out on. Weirdo.
Joe eats a danish.
Check-ups. Marcus is yammering on about how he doesn't feel bad for killing people. "Does the lion lament the death of the gazelle?" He says Joe is like him, which Joe denies, but Marcus points out, "You cry about what you've done to me in the name of science, but that's never stopped you from inflicting it." Thank you, Marcus. You've summed up my entire problem with Joe.
The assistant has finished scanning everyone's blood to see who on the compound is susceptible to the vampire virus. He tells Tal, "It's Dr. McKay." Tender loving Poor-Joe closeup.
Someone finds the prostitute's body and calls Detective Taylor. A surgical glove was found nearby. Taylor ponders the Mystery of the Six Floor Elevator some more, because we haven't seen enough of her doing that.
Joe plays acoustic guitar in his apartment!
"Hey Garett, do you have any special skills we could showcase in this movie?"
"Well, I can play guitar..."
Tal comes by for a chat. Joe finally tenders his resignation. Tal says he understands, and he now agrees with the order to kill Marcus. Why? Was the prostitute thing, like, a test? Or is he just pre-mad at Marcus for probably vampirizing Joe soon? Later, (SPOILER) he'll encourage just that, so either he's lying now, or they forgot this later.
Tal gets a phone call: something's gone wrong with Marcus's latest transfusion. Joe heads out with him: "I'm still his doctor." So, he resigns, except for continuing to be involved in the one project that upset him so much he had to resign.
Unnecessary footage of Joe and Tal driving around.
Joe puts on his scrubs in another spate of unnecessary but not unappreciated toplessness. He tries to turn on the monitor to see into the chamber, but it's out. Meanwhile, in the control room, the assistant is being all morally concerned about something. When Joe calls up the phone, Tal goes from a casual mood to feigned concern in two seconds or less: "He's going into convulsions! Susan's in there!" Just in case we didn't get that he's lying and Joe Is Heading Into Danger, we see a brief flashback of Tal waving goodbye to Susan earlier that day. I take off my glasses and bury my head in my hands in horror.
Well, there's only nine minutes left and Joe is still alive, so he's already lasted longer than I expected. I am pleased, but also concerned. Nine minutes, in this movie, is barely enough time for Joe to eat a danish.
Detective Taylor tries to have Joe paged--I guess she wants to tell him about the murder--but the Army guy is uncooperative.
"I think this is a really bad idea," Joe understates as he backs around the chamber, Marcus grinning lasciviously at him from the casket. Over the intercom Tal tries to sell him on how great it's going to be for him to be a vampire. When the assistant tries to stop him, Tal pulls Chekhov's gun.
"I don't want this," Joe tries to reason with Marcus as they circle around a gurney.
Marcus leaps forward much more like a gazelle than a lion. "But Joe, you'll never die!" And we can be together, foreverrrr! Marcus is even doing this for all the nicest reasons.
Joe stammers, "I was--you were my patient. I was just doing my job." So is this movie supposed to be about Nazis? But that makes... the Jews... I'm going to stop right there.
Marcus grabs Joe by the neck and holds him against the wall. Joe struggles a little, but then they just stare into each other's eyes, panting, for a brief eternity.
"I'll never forgive you for this," says Joe in a voice way too clear for the near-strangulation he is supposed to be receiving here.
"Yes, you will," says Marcus, and--no, seriously, dude, are they totally going to kiss?!
"...and I'm very slashable..."
An army guy bursts into the control room and Tal turns his gun and shoots him. Weird. The shot startles Marcus, who drops Joe; in the corridor, Taylor hears it, too, and takes off running. Gun drawn, she finds Tal holding his gun on the crying and gibbering assistant. Dude, is this movie totally going to have a happy ending?! That's more unexpected than the kiss.
Oh, no, it's not. The anti-vampire SWAT guys show up and believe Tal's story, that Taylor is trying to free Marcus and that she killed the army guy.
I'm not entirely clear on what's going on with the chamber and the SWAT team. Marcus turns out the lights; the SWAT teams throws the door open; and from over in the conference room where Tal is holding a gun on Taylor and the assistant, we hear silenced submachine fire. Taylor tries to wrest the handgun from Tal, and in the ensuing struggle Tal ends up getting shot--and we pan out to see the assistant is holding the weapon. He turns it on Taylor, which makes no sense, and then Marcus bursts in and disarms him, which also kind of makes no sense.
"Are you the man I'm looking for?" asks Taylor.
"All your life," Marcus smooth-guys. So this is a romance?
Then Joe bursts in with a giant machine gun. Blair gets to hold a gun! He says "The killing stops now," which is an odd thing to say when you're massively armed. "You can just go. If you kill us now, it's not survival, it's murder."
Marcus doesn't argue the point, but whirls around to Taylor, kisses her chastely on the forehead, and says, "We're not to be." Then he whirls back around, slams Joe against the door, yanks his caduceus off his neck, and says "We'll have some fun." Odd.
"...And I look good in cap sleeve scrubs. And I make this great wincing face when a necklace is getting torn off me. And I'm really good at being slammed into walls."
Taylor runs after Marcus, trailing him, I think, to the roof, which he of course leaps off majestically. (Well, sort of stupidly. But I think he was going for majesty.) Defeated, Taylor returns inside, where she finds Joe patching up Tal's shot arm. I cannot believe Joe survived this movie. There's still two minutes left; maybe he is a vampire? Implied Marcus-to-Joe consensual vampirism transmission? We can hope?
Taylor reads Tal his rights, and fade to black. Is that... is that it?
Oh, one more scene. A bar. Canadian flag displayed prominently in the background. Pan close on a blond girl's back. A leather jacket-clad arm appears near her. Joe? A smooth voice asks, "Excuse me. Is this seat taken?" Oh, it's just boring old Marcus. He is wearing the Caduceus of Joe's Forced Seduction, though. He grins like a giant fool. Fade again to black.
And that's it! The credits roll in classy red "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" font. A surprising number of people worked on this movie.
I can't believe I watched the whole thing.
If you can't laugh, what can you do?